If you’re like me, you like to be around others one on one. You don’t have to struggle for attention or talk over anyone else. It’s intimate and focused and I’d much rather one person know me very well than a bunch of people kind of have an idea as to who I am. It may be overwhelming to some, but if I care about someone they’re the only one I really have the desire to be around. It’s just a step up from my comfort zone of solitude. So when I find that person I drink it in. I’ve found several of them here and there throughout my life, the ones who would give me person withdrawal to lose, the ones that actually make me not want to be alone.
I’m going through person withdrawals right now.
When me and Grumpy McDrunkypants first started having serious issues, I turned to those dating sites purely to find someone to talk to. I’m not good at meeting people and making friends so if nothing else, sometimes I get a really good conversation. I had spoken to Micky for a little while but then we lost contact. I tried to mend fences with McDrunky but after a while, it was obvious that there was no saving it. This time, I just wanted to get out – to go have a drink without asshole around me, to get my mind off of everything for a bit. What perfect conduit to take your mind off of life for a bit than Tinder? As soon as I pulled it up, Micky’s picture appeared. I vaguely remembered that we had spoken before and had great conversation so I said hi. We agreed to grab a drink to get away from everything for an evening.
Immediately we hit it off. Conversation was refreshing and free flowing. We shared views on so many things in our life and both found solace in opening up to someone who seemed so open minded and accepting to our experiences without judgement. We had our drinks, then went back to his place to cap the night with some smoke. It was exactly what I needed. We told each other that there was no way either of us was in any place to be in a relationship with anyone. Our goal was to be friends first and foremost no matter what. No feelies. Just friends. It was a great escape for me. He had 3 dogs and 3 cats. Something about curling up with some fuzzy critters just helps melt away worry and anxiety. I ate it up. He offered to open his home to me any time that I didn’t feel safe where I was.
Little did I know, that would happen quite soon. Remember that tidbit in the Solitude & Loneliness post about my door being ripped off its hinges? Well that was probably one of the first nights that I caved and asked to stay over. It’s not that I necessarily thought McDrunky would ever actually hurt me on purpose, but he sure could get scary and destructive. Once the threats started flying, I didn’t want to even be around him. It got to the point where I was spending 2-3 days with Micky every single week. He had a lot going on in his life as well and I hated to impose but he was so gracious about it every time.
At the beginning we agreed that we were dating but that it wasn’t serious. Just two people who put friendship first but also really enjoy one another’s taste. Before long, we were holding hands every time we sat on the couch together. When we would have a cigarette outside, his arm would be over my shoulders. We didn’t sleep together often because it simply wasn’t a priority. When we did it was amazing, but we were just as happy simply snuggling up together to watch some Netflix. This went on for several months. Soon, worries arose. He was going through a divorce with a child involved and he feared the mother would use me against him somehow to keep his daughter from him. His baby girl was priority, as she should be, and I told him this. I would never dare put myself before her. There are always complications.
It was a Sunday morning. I had stayed the weekend at Micky’s house and he had a project for work to get started on. We had dragged out me leaving for as long as we could so I finally caved to start getting dressed. It didn’t work, we simply could not stop kissing each other. There was this passion, this unspoken well of feelings that had built up inside of us. Neither would say a thing to allude to it but it was very obvious by the way we simply had to sleep together one more time that morning before I could leave. As I pulled my jeans up, hips screaming from a combination of sex and muscle cramps (thanks, dehydration) I collapsed on the bed for a moment. Micky plopped down catercorner to me and took my hand. I don’t know what we were talking about but I made mention of how handsome he looked with his hair and beard the way they were. He looked into my eyes and told me that I was perfect just the way I was. We laid there, hand in hand, silently looking into each other’s eyes for what seemed like eternity.
That’s when that little voice of reason pinged in the back of my head. – Enjoy this moment, girl. It’s the last time it will be this way.
I tried to brush it off but I knew as soon as our eyes locked. There was something there between us that neither of us were ready for. There was too much going on. This is not the time. Fuck, this is going to ruin it.
Sure enough, a few days before Valentine’s Day (Thanks again, irony) I received a text. Now let me just tell you, this text was sent at the WORST time. I was working a ridiculously stressful job that had me drive 45 minutes East to pick up a client then drive an hour West to take her to a counselor so we could work out a hectic situation in the home. As we were driving to the counselor I heard my phone ping. I glanced down to see the sender pop up on the top of the phone but I wouldn’t check it until I wasn’t driving. All that I saw when I glanced down was ‘Micky: Listen – ..” My heart sank back into my spine. I knew what it was. I knew it was coming. Why now? Right now? Fortunately my client was deaf so she had no idea that I was sniffling and biting my lip to not cry. We got there 2 hours early for her appointment but she insisted on staying and waiting because she was so upset. Whatever made her happy. Unfortunately that meant that I had 2 hours in complete silence to stare at this text telling me that there was too much going on and we had to back off of it. Two hours to reread over and over and over again. Two hours to think about that moment looking into each other’s eyes and holding hands. Two hours to agonizingly play through all of the little moments. I mean shit, I didn’t realize just how much I cared about this person until then.
For a few days I had a boa constrictor around my sternum. Work was blowing up and I was trying to dive into it to stop from acknowledging the pain I was feeling. It was equally as relentlessness. I spent my days biting my upper lip to stop from crying. I soon came to the realization that Micky was the only thing that gave me any peace or happiness in that town. I hated going to work in the morning because it was so overwhelming and I hated going home because I knew McDrunky would call me a Godless whore again or something along those lines to start up a long argument. The only moments I could look forward to were the times I spent with Micky and if I didn’t have that, I had nothing. I shouldn’t base the happiness on my life on someone else. That’s a dependency, not living. I don’t want to be that dependent person.
That weekend I spent with my mother. I poured my heart out to her over wine and chain smoking. We decided it was time to get out of that toxic place, thus me moving to where I am now just recently. We made the plans and set the date.
I saw Micky one more time before I moved. I came over to spend the night and get some sort of peace about the situation. It was just like nothing had ever happened. We talked about it like grown adults, explained our feelings but the logic behind the choices that we had to make. Sheesh this guy is just the bee’s knees. We enjoyed the rest of the evening together. Drank wine, watched Netflix, played with the dogs and soaked up what time we had left.
We agreed that it wasn’t goodbye. We don’t live far from each other and perhaps one day when things are a bit more stable in both of our lives it would work. How do you know where the line is between moving on but losing that unicorn and holding out but missing opportunities because of it? As for me.. right now.. I have no desire for anyone else. I haven’t seen him in four weeks but I still find comfort in the thought of his smile.
I have person withdrawal for Micky right now. Balls.