Being INTJ (Pt. 2)

Time for more diving in to how I work! And yes, spending hours sipping coffee, smoking a bowl, and researching/blogging in silence is fun for me. Much better than getting lost in more Netflix. Anyway..

‘INTJs are defined by their confidence, logic, and exceptional decision-making, but all of this hides a turbulent underbelly – their emotions. The very notion of emotional expression is synonymous with irrationality and weakness to many INTJs, a display of poor self-governance and fleeting opinion that can hardly stand up to the enduring light of factual truth.’

Case in point – writing my real feelings and experience in an anonymous blog rather than actually speaking to people who really do give a shit.

‘In many ways though, these qualities of coolness and detachment aren’t the weapons of truth that they appear to be, but are instead shields designed to protect the inner emotions that INTJs feel. In fact, because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, INTJs often feel them more strongly than many overtly emotional types because they simply haven’t learned how to control them effectively.’

When my mother shouted to me that my father and little brother were dead, I didn’t scream or cry out. I numbly wandered into my closet and stared at the shadows in my clothes. When we put down our 3rd pet that same year, I didn’t shed a tear. Inside, however, I was destroyed. I went so long without letting my emotions be seen that I forgot how to process them. Now I will hear a snippet of a song and completely lose it because it will remind me of that one time my father and I were road-tripping to Colorado to pick up my first car and I will remember the way he looked at me when my eyes lit up, seeing that ’87 Honda Prelude, so proud of his baby girl – because I didn’t process it when I should have. I feel things ridiculously deeply – I just don’t like letting others know, I guess.

‘INTJ personalities’ Thinking (T) trait acts as a protective big brother to their Feeling (F) trait – seeing that something has upset the less able sibling, it steps in to take action, letting logic do the talking and resolving the condition rather than complaining about its consequences.’

You got this, logic? Cool, I’m just gonna grab my teddy bear and a bottle of beam and be over here in my bed.

‘In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.’

I strive to find reasons things went wrong with my previous relationships and apply those to the people that I meet. It’s so not romantic but at least I keep it in my head. Joe made me realize I deserved to receive as well as just give, Anti showed me that too much negativity can poison a person, Justin 1 showed me how destructive it can be to put someone else before myself, Justin 2 showed me that I can truly enjoy life but deserve to be taken care of as well, Spaz showed me that I don’t have the patience to deal with someone’s serious psychological issues when they have no grasp on them, Grumpy McDrunkypants showed me that some people are completely full of shit, and Micky showed me that passionate, caring people still do exist though they usually require more space. All of this combined makes for a red flag bingo card I keep in my mind at all times.

‘Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.’

I do like chivalry, and I’m good with my manners, but I will instantly shift to ‘bro mode’ if I feel comfortable around someone. Date or not, I want to be myself as quickly as possible.

‘Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.’

Again, guilty. I think I’ve initialized all of maybe two conversations on those dating sites ever. I’d much rather wait around and see if someone finds interest in me. Maybe it’s lazy, I don’t know. I get anxiety trying to start something up.

‘INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically. But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.’

Save the drama for your mama. If it’s significant, let’s talk it out. If it’s something like complaining about a thing you have to do no matter what, for the fifth time, just stop. It has to be done. Accept it and move forward. Your incessant complaining is boring me.

‘INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart. The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging.’

That person’s out there somewhere, right? They understand that I’m not a bitch but sugarcoating is a waste of breath and I want to get right to the nitty gritty. Understand me. Please. This is all I really want.

‘People with the INTJ personality type tend to have more success in developing friendships than they do with romantic relationships, but they none-the-less suffer from many of the same setbacks, substituting rational processes for emotional availability. This intellectual distance tends to go both ways, making INTJs notoriously difficult to read and get to know’

I think this is a problem with most people, putting up walls about themselves until they feel they can really trust the person they’re spending time with. I do know about myself, however, that I’m terrible about keeping contact. I’ll wait anxiously to hear from someone but not say hi first. Maybe I just want to be wanted?

‘The fact is that in friendship, INTJs are looking for more of an intellectual soul mate than anything else, and those that aren’t prepared for that kind of relationship are simply boring. INTJs need to share ideas – a self-feeding circle of gossip about mutual friends is no kind of social life for them.’

This is why I’ve always had friends from all kinds of different circles. When we don’t know the same people, you won’t bore me with gossip. I really could not care less.

‘When it comes to emotional support, INTJs are far from being a bastion of comfort. They actively suppress their own emotions with shields of rationality and logic, and expect their friends to do the same. When emotionally charged situations do come about, INTJs may literally have no clue how to handle them appropriately, a glaring contrast from their usual capacity for decisive self-direction and composure’

As honored as I feel when someone chooses to open up to me, unexpected outbursts of tears throw me off my game. Do I pat you on the back? If I hug you will you hold on to me for longer than I feel comfortable with? If I open up with you, will you start coming to me with all of your little problems? Am I about to become your fixer? Ah, there I go over-analyzing again.

There’s a whole parenting section but I don’t feel that it really applies to me, not being a parent myself. As a preschool teacher, I know the way that I handle the children that I work with – thanks greatly in part to the fantastically strong, confident older woman who trained me. Man I miss her. However, this does not mean that I would treat my children the same way. Sooooooooo let’s move on.

‘INTJs tend to prefer to work alone, or at most in small groups, where they can maximize their creativity and focus without repeated interruptions from questioning colleagues and meetings-happy supervisors.’

I thrive in solitude. My ex-husband knew well that when I was editing pictures, I was in a zone and was not to be disturbed. I’m more focused that way. Other people just distract me from my work. Even as I have been writing this blog today, a maintenance man was knocking on doors in the hallway. Every time I would hear him knock, I would lose focus on what I was reading and have to re-read it. I’m too curious for my own good.

‘INTJs value personal initiative, determination, insight and dedication, and believe that everyone should complete their work to the highest possible standards – if a schmoozing shill breezes through without carrying their own weight, they may find INTJs’ inventiveness and determination used in a whole new capacity as the winds turn against them.’

Now I will admit to my fair share of schmoozing but only because I want to encourage my higher-ups that they can trust in my ideas and opinions. It’s much easier to bring a new concept to your boss if they feel comfortable and trustworthy with you. I ALWAYS back myself up with honest, hard work and I expect others to do the same if they wish to get anywhere. My first year working in preschool I received $2 in raises. I was making more than Lola who had been there for four years already. She was pissed that I was brand new but getting special treatment and insisted that I ask the owner to give her a raise. I immediately refused. I earned those raises by not only doing my job but also volunteering everywhere else, taking over library/resource room duties, taking photos for the school and creating a lucrative side business from it, bringing art into the Infant room, starting a book drive/Dr. Seuss week for the school and also starting my own projects to help put together lesson plan resources for the other teachers. I did these things because I wanted to. Only one of those things I was actually prompted to do – the others were my own idea to excel the best that I could at my job. I EARNED what I received. I would never sully my reputation to pander for a friend.

‘INTJs are independent people, and they quickly become frustrated if they find themselves pushed into tightly defined roles that limit their freedom. With the direction of a properly liberal manager, INTJs will establish themselves in a position of expertise, completing their work not with the ambition of managerial promotion, but for its own intrinsic merit.’

Yeah.. what I just said.

‘Above all else, INTJs want to be able to tackle intellectually interesting work with minimal outside interference, no more, no less. Time-consuming management techniques like trust-building getaways, progress meetings, and drawn-out, sandwiched criticisms are only going to annoy INTJs – all they need, be they subordinate, colleague, or manager, is to meet their goals with the highest standard of technical excellence and to be surrounded by, if anyone at all, people who share those values.’

I have no need for team building exercises. Seeing others work hard to achieve goals that they invest in just as much as their superiors makes for the best encouragement for me. I need to work in an environment where people really give a shit about what they do, not somewhere that’s just another job.

‘Titles mean little to INTJs – trust and respect are earned, and INTJs expect this to be a two way street, receiving and delivering advice, criticisms and results. INTJs expect their managers to be intelligent enough and strong enough to be able to handle this paradigm.’

Respect, respect, respect. This word is so important to me. Just 1 more letter and it’d make a fitting knuckle tattoo for me.

‘INTJs are brilliant analysts, and will likely gather a small handful of trusted colleagues to involve in their brainstorming sessions, excluding those who get too hung up on details, or who otherwise have yet to earn their respect. But more likely, INTJs will simply take the initiative alone – INTJs love embracing challenges and their consequent responsibilities, and their perfectionism and determination usually mean that the work comes out clean and effective, affording INTJs the twin joys of solitude and victory.’

Especially in a women-run preschool environment, cliques happen. The ladies want to hang out with each other on break and giggle and gossip and cluck.. or whatever they do. I’m never a part of these. If someone offers to help, and is really interested then I will extend an opening. Otherwise, work me is quite solitary. You’re apt to find me spending my break time reading a book, drawing, or working on a project.

In conclusion, I’m just a person trying to get to know myself better. Knowing that I’m not alone and a lot of the things I thought were so strange about myself feel somewhat validated now that I know it’s not just me. Others operate this way as well. Doesn’t introspection feel good?

 

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