Escaping my Head

When I made the decision to move out of that horrible situation I was in a few weeks ago, the main goal was simply to get out. I was so overly stressed and emotionally destroyed that something as simple as a “How are you?” would send me to the brink of breaking down. The goal was to take a week or so to compose myself and then find a job.

The first week and a half was great. I needed that self reflection. When I sat and thought about all of the things I had to put up with on a daily basis, I was in awe at what one person can endure simply because they didn’t want to ask for help. I should have. Before I went there I was happy. I was lost and had a job that stressed me way too far but I was eager for the future. I was secure in myself and truly believed good would happen. The person who came back is trying desperately to return to that. I’ve become a total hermit – afraid to trust or leave my comfort zone. I know from experience that this is detrimental to moving forward (unless my dream is to be a crazy cat lady) but it’s difficult when those you’ve cared about and trusted have caused you so much pain. I’ve spent my time lost in my head, going over scenarios over and over, wondering if there were any way it could have been different or how I could have stepped up to make a change myself. It’s useless, I know, but when you have nothing going on but sitting alone in a silent apartment every day, it becomes unavoidable. It’s getting to become a deafening white noise in my head and I’m ready for a distraction.

Today I’m finally able to go fill out paperwork to start working back and the preschool I worked at before. After working in home health for a year, I desperately miss being back with the itty bitties. It’s a stressful job but you get to leave it there. No on call bullshit to distract me from the possibility of actually living my life. Plus, my snuggle meter is waaaaay low and toddlers are great about helping in that area. Mostly, I’m anxious to have something to fill up my time, to distract myself from the things I cannot help or change. Being a hermit has a snowball effect and I need to stop it before it gets too big to move.

My head’s been on a roll with useless stress today already.

“No word from Micky. May as well just let that go since obviously he hasn’t cared enough to say hi since last weekend. My heart still breaks when I think about him. I wonder if he misses me at all. No, don’t you dare text him first!”

“That weird guy I played pool with won’t stop blowing up my phone. There was no connection, guy. I’m trying to be nice but Pleeeeeeease just back the shit off, dude. When you put your arm around my shoulders it bothered me at such a deep level. I wanted to peel off every inch of skin you touched and burn it. It’s not your fault Grumpy McDrunkypants has given me intimacy issues but now that I’ve told you about them, respect them or leave.”

“Where is my social security card? I wonder if they still have a copy of it on file from the last time I worked there.”

“I’m glad I have Jerry to talk to and hang out with here – a friend from when I lived here before. Unfortunately I keep getting vibes that he likes me in a way I can’t reciprocate. Fucking hell, I just want a friend!!!!”

“Bree is going to be my co-teacher again which will be awesome. She’s young and perky and it would help to have a female to actually talk to.  At least my mom might stop blowing her top about the fact that all of my friends are male.”

“Sonofabitch, that whole school’s been doing a workout program together and here’s my fatass having only gained weight thanks to stress wreaking havoc on my body. Way to go, me.”

Etc., etc.

Shout out to pornhub and a long hot shower to shut it all up for a bit.

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