I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s really been holding me back lately. I think back to before my 6 month shit show and how differently I handled myself. I would easily meet people, no anxiety about it. We’d get a drink, have a deep discussion. If we clicked, I had no problem making a move. Brushing a hand, begging for touch and intimacy with a look, a sweet peck on the cheek to initiate physical contact. If I began to really like them, I would cautiously hold onto it until I knew whether or not they reciprocated and then let it blossom naturally, excited for the unknown.
I feel like my experiences changed me. I’m an anxiety-ridden mess when it comes to the idea of meeting someone. I find myself having to get to know someone for weeks before I’m willing to even grab coffee together, and even then my mind is constantly filling with doubts and fears. If I begin to feel something for somebody, it terrifies me and I end up talking myself out of it, trying to let go of it like a stray balloon. With feelings comes vulnerability and I’m really not sure how much more heartache I can endure before I become ice cold. I was never the type to be afraid of commitment. I find great peace and inspiration in having a partner, and I’m sure I still would, but now I have a constant lingering fear – a little voice in my head that tells me I’ll only be used again.
The whole reason I moved to that backwoods town was the guy I had been dating (and not long for that matter) had called me up in tears. He told me of his ex taking his children, of being haunted by past experiences and getting depressed to the point of suicidal. I’ve lost friends to suicide before, once because I wasn’t there when they asked me for help, and I vowed never to let that happen again. I hopped in my car and drove the hour to go be there for him to help him through the night. I ended up staying to make sure he was stable, all the while having to call in for work during a very busy time. I missed two days. They fired me. With no place to go, I suppose Grumpy felt guilty and offered for me to live with him. A few months in I discovered he was an alcoholic pathological liar. All of the things he had told me were complete bullshit and he was trying to drag me down with him. When I broke up with him, I was still stuck living there as his roommate for 3 months. Grumpy was always drunk and not a happy drunk, especially with someone in the household who had “broken his heart.” On a daily basis he would harass me. He would try to pick fights, calling me a Godless whore, explaining just how hideous I was, saying how I was useless and worthless and a pussy for feeling hurt for the experiences in my life. That was when I met Micky, who was graciously helpful. There, my feelings began again. I knew they shouldn’t but I couldn’t help it. He just so happened to be everything I ever wanted in a partner, or so my desperate mind thought. In the end we both knew we had feelings but needed to let them go. So I did. It took time and it hurt but I’ve had no contact with him for weeks. He seems to show no interest and that in itself still hurts as well.
So that’s where I’m at. Fear of Feeling. The last two people I grew feelings for either emotionally and mentally (hell, and physically) abused the fuck out of me or built my heart up only to send it sailing away. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive and I can’t trust a soul. It’s a terrible way to feel and exactly what Grumpy wanted to achieve. I guess his methods were successful – asshole.
So how does one overcome this fear? How do you let yourself be vulnerable when you feel like it’s you against the world? I’m tired of being alone. I really am.. but I’m afraid of others’ ability to hurt me. Maybe it’ll just take the right person to be patient enough to put me at ease.