Today, on a whim, I decided to text my ex-husband while I was on break. I hadn’t spoken to him since December when I was deep in the abusive clutches of that awful living situation. I’ve been feeling extremely lonely and hopeless today and had a maddening curiosity as to how he has been doing. Immediately tears came pouring down my face. He’s trying his best but is quite lonely where he is. I can’t help but feel responsible. When we started going downhill, I uprooted us to where my family lives for extra support on my end. Upon our separation, he opted to move out of state again to stay with his mother. Everyone we knew, grew up with, is far away and terrible at keeping contact outside of facebook likes. Our relationship wasn’t a bad one. We had some amazing times and he’s the best friend that I’ve ever had – just not the best partner in a marriage. I thought back to the good times, and even the bad ones when I thought things were so terrible. How very wrong I was. Things got much worse for me after our split.
It’s not that I want to be with him again. We’re both different people and I know this. I want to move forward. However, being so alone in a place where you feel like nobody really knows you makes you long for the connections you once had. It hurts my heart to hear that he’s lonely and struggling. I wish nothing but the best for him in life and I truly want to see him thrive. I guess it kind of gave me some comfort to know it’s hard on him too, though, in a terrible selfish way.
My sadness is crippling today. I feel like, despite reconnecting with my mother, moving here hasn’t helped me move forward in life at all. This last year has been nothing but a step backwards and now I’m thrown back into the muck I was in a year ago, yet more damaged. I’m barely keeping my head above water and waking each day with nothing to look forward to. I go through the motions but my heart’s not in it.
I feel incredibly lost and honestly don’t know what to do to pull myself out of it.