Drifting

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m no longer stuck in a funk, and that I really am back to battling that “depression” demon on my back. I’m drifting through each day with a constant sense of failure and I find myself physically forcing my mind to focus on the moment at hand. As I was driving home from work yesterday I shouted “Damnit!” as I felt the tears welling up and cranked the music up, making myself sing along, telling myself that this isn’t a bad moment and that I need to try to be in it.

It’s the random moments that make it so apparent. I had a pretty good night last night. After work I went to Hedburg’s place to watch the latest few episodes of Archer. I laughed and enjoyed the shows then came home to cook dinner and get lost in Netflix for a bit. As I began to turn off the lights, I suddenly recalled the silly tradition my ex-husband and I had when it was time for bed. One of us would say “Sleepy cuddle time?” to which the other would reply “Sleepy cuddle time!” and we’d both chant it, making our way to bed, wrapping up in each others arms and drifting off to the peace of knowing our love was near. I fell asleep trying my hardest to envision the color black instead of the other thoughts trying to flow through. When I woke up, I laid in bed for an eternity, feeling the emptiness next to me, remembering waking up in someone’s arms – not the physicality of it, but the emotional connection and feeling of safety.

When I go to work, I don’t look forward to it – but I don’t cringe at the thought of it either. It’s just that thing that takes up my day. It may be a good day, it may not, but at least it’s something to do. Then I get my paycheck and my heart wrenches again at the meager pay and the fact that I still have to borrow money from my mother to get by, even with my dollar store grocery budget. Fun events coming to town? That’s nice. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford anything. My life is work, netflix, shower, sleep – repeat. Sometimes someone will take me out somewhere and I truly do appreciate and enjoy those moments. Last Saturday was fantastic though Clove and I haven’t been able to talk much during the week. It happens. Whatever. Still talk to other guy (Pickle) here and there but the whole opposite work schedule has made that pretty slim as well. I deleted POF from my phone. I was only keeping it there for the opportunity at good conversation but would just feel more and more let down by it so I just let it go.

Today my mother is coming over to spend the day and night with me. The biggest annual festival around these parts is going on this weekend and we plan to go together like we did last year. It’s actually in walking distance of my apartment, which is convenient. When I was cooking last night, I had my kitchen window open, listening to the music and cheers from the crowd. It helped center and distract me a bit. I’m sure I’ll have a good time with my mom today. I just need to try to focus on the moment. I’ve already had my morning cry and vow to do my best to keep it together through the day. I hate showing my mom my weak side. Maybe later we’ll have wine to make it easier to talk about. Have you ever just had that recurring pain in your chest that just makes you want to stab it away with a knife so it will shut up and release you? Yeah maybe I shouldn’t tell her that. Don’t worry folks – not suicidal – just way too familiar with this more-than-a-funk.

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