Tough Decisions

Before I moved back to where I am now, the goal was to find a new job where I was (about an hour and a half away) so I could find a place of my own there. Missing the world of preschool, I interviewed at one in the area. I absolutely loved it. Small ratios, creativity based, an open and warm staff that reminded me of the place I worked at for years when I lived in Dallas. Unfortunately the pay wasn’t enough and I had to pass it up. Unable to find something that made enough, the decision was to move back to where my family was.

This evening the owner of said preschool called me and offered me the position of Assistant Director. This is a dream for me! Assistant director in a center that felt so warm and comforting? Like dude, their cook is a professional chef who will go to the farmer’s market in the morning and cook lunch from what he finds there that day. How cool is that?!!

The only problem is I’d have to  move back there.. right after I moved where I am now. I love my apartment and this cute little city I live in. The city the job is offered in is a bit bigger, the capital in fact. Many new opportunities. Also, Pickle lives 2 hours in the opposite direction so that would put a huge strain on our already long distance relationship.

Oh.. and Micky lives there. *chugs bottle of wine*

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Still bothered.

It’s really fucking unfair for Ricky to say those things to me the other day. Now I’m all messed up in the head and doubting everything and it’s not right. Fuck I hate feelings. This is why I tried to stay away from them. I just want to be happy and hopeful but I’m still waking up with an aching heart. Can I do this long distance/opposite work schedule thing? I need to find something to fill up my time. I need inspiration. I need hope. I need Pickle to be able to provide those things. I seem to be doing a shit job of finding them on my own.

Being “official” and the crap that comes with it

So today Pickle and I became “Facebook official” and I forgot how annoying that can be. Everyone wants to know details, talk about it, all that shit that I like to keep private. That, I can handle. The hard part was when Micky texted me saying that he was happy for me but a bit jealous. He reiterated how our timing together sucked and said how if this new guy didn’t treat me like a queen, he’d have to answer to him. The main reason I moved on was to get over him. It doesn’t help to know that his feelings are still there too. Pickle deserves a shot, Micky agrees, and I’m not going to let that fall through in the hopes of something that may never be. It hurts still, thinking of Micky, and it might always sting, but bridging our relationship into a friendship is a favorable outcome.
Fucking feelings. Blah.

Taken

So I suppose I’m no longer a single woman on the prowl. Despite not being able to see each other for another few weeks, Pickle and I still talk all the time. Because of opposite work schedules it’s generally only to and from work that we get to talk on the phone but it’s become a regular thing and I really enjoy it. We’ve already started to make plans to hang out for a few days during my vacation in July and he’s even bought us pre-order tickets to the Renaissance festival in the fall. All of this future talk brought up the subject of us being officially dating and we were both in agreement that we’re pretty crazy about each other. It’s strange to call someone my boyfriend after being single a while but it’s a happy strange. My dating profiles are collecting dust and his name is the one I hope to see every time my phone goes off. I think it’s helpful, actually, that he lives a good distance and we can only talk in the mornings and evenings. It allots me the freedom to have my space and live my own life during the day with something to look forward to at the end. Here’s to hoping this goes somewhere good.

This decision was the cherry topper on a good day. Yesterday  morning was the Color Run. I’ve never participated in a 5k before but it always looked fun. My mom came with me and several of my coworkers were there as well. Of course we just briskly walked it but I really enjoyed it. Around the 2.5 mile mark I started really getting into my groove and could gone another lap. Maybe this is something I’ll do more of in the future. It really did feel great to accomplish something and be outside trying something new. My hip is killing me today but I’m okay with that. At least I know it was for a good reason.

Next week my cousin is coming in to town to spend time with family and figure out her next step for moving out from living with her husband. It would be the next time that Pickle is available to come see me but I told him that she had to come first. After he and I made “us” official, I asked her what her plan was for the weekend (on the off-chance that he could still come for a day) but apparently her plan is to hang out with me and another cousin Saturday and then stay with me that night, which is great. I’ll miss seeing Pickle but it will be worth it to spend time with her. I’ve been toying with the thought of offering to let her come stay with me for a while. As much as I love my solitude, I can’t really afford this place on my own with the crap pay my job currently offers. I have major trust issues with roommates but I know and trust her so I think it would be alright. We already live similar lifestyles so that shouldn’t cause issues. It’s certainly something to consider and I’ll see what she thinks about it.

I’m glad to see things starting to change and move in different directions for me. I was beginning to feel way too stagnant and unhappy with the way of things. I began to lose track of what has always kept me inspired – the excitement of the unknown. Here’s to diving back into life. It’s time.

Friendship

I suppose that for the last year and a half I’ve gotten pretty used to not having close friendships with others. When I moved to a new state, my old friends moved on and I set out to find my own way alone. It takes time to discover who you are without anyone to impress and the journey doing so makes it take quite some time to build up real friendships. Even with my family, it’s taken time and it still has its awkward moments. Well I guess I’ve reached that point of comfort and trust with others that my old ways of being the one to talk to have re-emerged.

At the beginning of the week, Jerry opened up to me about relationship issues he’s been having with his girlfriend. Apparently they’ve been together a month. He loves her, she tells him she needs a break because she’s overwhelmed. I could tell him what I honestly think, which is that she’s not ready for love and the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way scares her into wanting to end it, but I can’t do that to someone who’s feelings I care about. I let him pour it all out and gave the most encouraging (yet realistic) advice that I could. I need to check up on him to see how he’s doing. Kinda got lost in an accidental social overdose since then.

The next day, my co-worker was an emotional wreck. Apparently her and her boyfriend got in a huge fight and he spent the night with his sister, claiming he needed a few days apart from her. Oh boy, I’d heard things before and was none too impressed the first time I met him. My opinion? He’s immature, jealous and childish while she’s losing herself to be what he wants her to be when he doesn’t even know what that is. Again, can I say that? No. She loves unconditionally and will find any way to defend him – I know her type. So I offer to let her come over after work for a drink and to let her vent. Lordy can that woman talk! I swear she gave me her entire life story. She would only take a breath from talking when her phone would go off and then she was dead to the world as she checked her messages. I took that opportunity of silence to check my phone since mine had gone off too. It was my cousin, the only other female black sheep in the family and therefore my closest for as long as I can remember. The text said “I think I got married too soon. I need to get out and I need your advice.”  Now my head is spinning. Shit just got real and Bree is babbling on about what her high school schedule was like. It made it difficult to formulate meaningful responses to my cousin. I had intended on a peaceful evening alone – like always – and suddenly I felt like an avalanche of people needing my attention and my anxiety was rising. I found myself eagerly awaiting news that Bree’s ride would be there soon which then made me feel like an asshole for wanting her to leave when she really needed that friend to lean on and listen to her incessant rambling. I listened deeply to both, gave the best advice and encouragement that I could, and breathed a huge breath of relief when Bree left and my cousin said good night.

This same week, Micky sent me a message. I hadn’t talked to him in a while but I knew that he had recently been to divorce court and that it hadn’t gone well. I didn’t press him for details because, like me, he tends to find solace in solitude. I left him be but told him I was always there to talk to if he needed me. Turns out it did not go well at all and he’s in a rough place. He didn’t see his little girl for 6 weeks, he has to sell his house, he must surrender his dogs to his ex, and he just lost his job. Damn. 2016 was supposed to be better than last year. Why is everyone so miserable?!??! He’s still in my pending que to have a long deep talk with  – along with Jerry and my estranged grandmother I still haven’t had the balls to call back. Oh and Hedburg who recently lost disabilities benefits and his grandmother just died. Sheesh.

Honestly, I’d rather have hours of manual work around my home than have long conversations with people almost any day. It’s a shitty thing but 80% of the time I don’t want to interact with a single other human being, except any potential lover – that’s when the dynamic changes. Of course this sudden wave of being “popular” would come when I do have someone that I eagerly await texts and calls from. I’ve still been talking to Pickle on a regular basis as our ships cross in the mornings and evenings. We had such a great time on Saturday and honestly, miss each other already. He wanted to come visit again the weekend after next (his next weekend off) but my cousin is coming in to town that weekend and I really need to be a good friend and be there for her. It will be good to spend time alone together. We’re such similar people but have lived completely different lives, only crossing paths maybe once a year. I look forward to building up our friendship. At the same time, if Pickle’s off weekends are the only times we can hang out, it’ll be another 3 1/2 weeks until we can see each other again which is a total bummer. But – priorities.

Having friendships is exhausting.

Pickle

Despite my great date a few weeks ago with Clove, our conversation only lasted a few more days and then dropped off. I decided to let that go. He can make the effort if he wants to keep in contact. At least it narrowed down the two people I’ve been talking to so that Pickle is the only one remaining. My dating profiles have been untouched for a while and I even got a message the other day from Tinder informing me that I will no longer show up in local matches until I reactivate it. Works for me. Juggling a bunch of shitty conversations at once is exhausting.

Well this weekend, I actually got to spend some time with Pickle. He lives two hours away and works nights so conversation is spotty sometimes but I always look forward to his name popping up on my phone. He came by on Friday evening to stay that night and spend the day on Saturday (his sleeping locale understandably dependent on how we clicked in person), something I had been looking forward to all week. First impressions? Tall, a little chubby (but I like that), big hands (my biggest turn-on), instant smile and open arms for a hug (which I gladly obliged). We clicked just as well as on the phone and as we walked to the door of the restaurant for dinner, he took my hand with an “Is this ok?” and opened the door for me. Afterward, we curled up on the couch at home and watched Netflix until our eyelids began to droop. He earned his spot in my comfortable bed for the night and was a champion cuddler. Not much hanky panky went down (thanks to a timely reminder of my fertility) but we did play around some. We had to. After having phone sex a couple of times, the curiosity was too much. Plus it’s quite difficult to be wrapped up in someone’s arms, feeling their hard sex against your thigh, and abstain from giving in to some urges. He was never pushy and was quite skilled at returning the favor of hand exploration (and now that I know what he’s working with-quite proportional to that big solid body, I can’t wait to actually experience it.) We slept like babies and set off the next morning for breakfast and to enjoy a stroll downtown. We walked hand-in-hand, commenting on shops and restaurants, me giving him whatever small tidbits of information I know about the area. We wandered into the science museum and studied the exhibits together, him occasionally smiling and offering a step stool when he’d catch me on my tip toes to look into a case. The planetarium show that morning was a kids’ film where a magical tree house transports kids to places in books. We still got giddy for the visuals and would quietly murmur our snarky comments to each other. The day was fantastic and ended with us just curled up together in bed watching silly videos and daydreaming about getting a corgi and moving to Colorado. I didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want to go. I thoroughly enjoyed our time spent. The fact that he doesn’t smoke or drink is a plus as well since I only had about 4 cigarettes altogether and had no desire to drink to feel comfortable around him. I want to be happy sober and healthy so this influence is a major asset to me. I didn’t want to smoke around him as he had previously commented on how he disliked being around the smoke and didn’t mind if I did it but would be adverse to kissing right after I sucked one down. Contradictory enough, once I finished my first cigarette in his company and we went back inside, he slipped his hand around my waist, pulled me close and kissed me tenderly on the lips commenting “This is how much I like you, to kiss you right after a cigarette.” On his way out of town I got a “Miss you already” text and a good morning one this morning. Knowing I’m on his mind just as prevalent as before is a good sign. You know, I actually had a dream that I was with him in my sleep the night he shared my bed. Strange, those dreams.

Today is Mother’s Day and I’ve told my mom that I’m all hers today. She doesn’t know what she wants to do but figures it will involve my Grandma and Aunt which is just fine with me. I’m happy and feel good so I know it will be an enyoyable time, whatever we do. I wish I could afford to take her out, get her a nice gift, treat her as she deserves to be treated – spoil her to dinner, breakfast, and the museum like Pickle did for me. Who knows what we’ll do but I can’t see it not being an over-all pleasant experience of a weekend. I’m certainly still wearing a smile from yesterday.

How I’m Living for Others lately

I find it interesting that people choose to open up to me about their relationship issues. I’m single, divorced, no clue what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I’m just not good at taking my own advice. Yesterday I invited my co-teacher over after work. She got into a fight with her boyfriend the other day and he’s been staying at his sister’s since. She was a wreck so I offered to make her a drink and let her get it all off her chest. Oh my goodness can that girl talk – when she wants to. If she wasn’t rambling on about every aspect of her life (which I know she needed to do, so I listened to it all) she was glued to her phone, tuning out anything I could be saying. This kind of worked out, though, as my cousin started texting me at the same time saying she thinks she rushed into marriage and wants to get out. So here I am, the girl that had hoped for a calm evening to get chores done, juggling two girls crying to me about their failing relationships. I gave the best advice I could, let them know I was there for them, but it was difficult to give them both the attention they really needed. Once my co-worker finally left and my cousin said good night, an ex that I’ve been hanging out with once or twice as friends prompted me for sex again. Ugh. “Do you ever think about having sex with me again?” No, no I don’t. I’m well aware that you regret leaving that night, causing me to dump you and move on but just because I’m single now doesn’t mean I miss you. He’s emotionally unstable and latches on to people easily so I keep a good arm’s length there.

As far as the dating front goes, I haven’t spoken to Clove in a couple of weeks. Our conversation began to dwindle after that date and I’m not going to be the one to beg for attention. Honestly, the other guy who I had been talking to for just as long has still been strong in the picture, in fact he’s the only one I talk to now. No dating apps, no juggling people, just me and Pickle. He makes me laugh and is one of the few people I’ve ever had phone sex with. He’s planning to come visit this weekend and I’m very excited for it. Unfortunately, Murphy’s Law is always against me and my period just started so no sexy fun time for me. Fuck. I was really looking forward to that. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be just as content feeling the warmth of his body near me. Who knows how it will go but I’m very hopeful.

On another note, how fucked up is it that the preschool I work at doesn’t recognize Teacher Appreciation Week? The only parents who are aware are teacher parents themselves. The bosses say nothing, promote nothing, don’t even tell us thank you. Way to do the complete opposite of boosting morale. I need a new job somewhere that actually appreciates the people working there.