Making Use of Uselessness

Has it really been over a year since I’ve updated this? My, how time flies.

A brief compacted version of my year: Things with Jack worked out. I love him more than I can ever express and his support has been unbelievable. I moved in with him in February and ever since it’s been me, Jack, and our cats Mr. Waffles and Ursa Meowser. (And our awkward roommate, though that’s a tale for another time.) Life with Jack is happiness.

Now onto the topic at hand.

Have you ever been in a situation where you can finally exhale but upon doing so, you have no clue what it was ever like to breathe properly in the first place?

When I moved in with Jack, I immediately found myself a good paying job in the childcare field, a profession I’ve worked in for pretty much my entire adult life. I know it inside and out and can proudly say that I’m one of the best damn preschool teachers around. It was a corporation so I knew that things would be different from the private schools I was used to, but what I didn’t anticipate was that the exhaustion I’d felt at my previous job followed me to this one. The parents loved me. The kids loved me. The school was overjoyed at my teaching methods, creativity, and attention to detail in the classroom. I, however, was screaming on the inside. It wasn’t in me anymore. My patience with the children was at an all-time low, though I’d never show it, which led to spiking stress levels. I started to get sick a lot (which I’ve now discovered are from migraines, which I’d never had before-Wee!!) and would push through the day only to come home exhausted, mentally and physically.

Don’t get me wrong, both of us having decent paying jobs was nice! We could afford to go out to museums, take day trips to the beach, eat out (and even opt for appetizers!). For the first time in five years, I didn’t have to wonder if the bills were going to be payed or if I had to choose between food or gas. Unfortunately, due to my stress, I was often too sick to do any of those things. Most weekends were spent at home, Jack taking care of me as my head pounded, belly ached, and anxiety levels grew.

One weekend, we agreed to spend some time at the beach with an old friend of mine. It was a welcome vacation who’s only downside was my nagging inner anxiety of the idea of going back to work when we returned. Friday afternoon, Jack and I waded out into the ocean as far as we could, scanning the horizon for dolphins and enjoying the sounds of the surf all around us. This amazing, thoughtful man turned to me and told me to quit my job. He could tell that it was the source of my sickness and sadness. He encouraged focusing on my art (which has always been a dream) and that, even if we have to pinch pennies here and there, he could take care of me. Actually, properly, take care of me. I’m pretty sure I cried right there in the ocean. My whole life I’d been the only one carrying the weight of finances on my shoulders. I never imagined I’d actually be able to focus on my art without the worry of working 10 hours a day just to make ends meet.

When we returned, I put in my two weeks notice. My boss begged me to stay and even offered me the position of art teacher which would have been my DREAM job just a few years ago, but at the moment just sounded exhausting. Besides, I’d just recently started doing pretty well at my side business of painting pet portraits. The last two weeks were brutal but I made it through, eager to jump into my new life of art!

Then, a week or so later, hurricane Harvey struck. The city I live in was devastated. Jack and I were extremely lucky to not get flooded but a good 3/5 of the community around us was completely destroyed. Suddenly purchasing paintings of pets was the least of peoples’ concern, and rightfully so. I haven’t had a single commission since. It’s disheartening but a reality I was prepared to face.

Since then I’ve tried to focus my art on my own original pieces as well as fan art pandering to my beloved nerdy community of whovians and the such.

I’m not making money. Sometimes I feel useless. Lazy. Uninspired. Like a leach. It’s not a good feeling.

Fortunately, because I have the most amazing man in my life, that yucky feeling is starting to fade. I’m not useless! I paint. I draw. I work out. I’m going back to school in the spring. I meal plan and prepare recipes. I cook and clean the apartment. I ensure that when Jack comes home, the only thing he has to worry about is snuggling his girlfriend and cats and whether or not I need help with dinner. And ya know what? I love it. Sure, we may not have much play money and I’ve come to terms with the fact that it may take some time to start turning a profit with my art but that’s okay. I’m not crying in the middle of the day. I’m not reluctantly spending half of my weekends cleaning the apartment. I’m not convincing myself every week that my health is worth less than my job.

I’m not useless. I’m just learning how to breathe again.

Advertisements

Silence is a Good Thing

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. I realize this but it’s for the best of reasons. Silence in my blog means that my heart and mind have found peace, or at least for the most part.

I’m over the moon in love with Jack and am overjoyed to be out of the dating game. There is such comfort with him and the life he’s helped immerse me in. I love his friends, his family, his lifestyle. For the first time in years I feel like I really belong somewhere. It’s a shame that it isn’t here and that I can only experience a few times a month but I am thankful for each moment that I can be there.

Long distance relationships are difficult and something that I avoided for the longest time but I truly feel that it’s absolutely worth it for this one. This place never really felt like home anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get to escape and be with him in a place where I fit a bit better. Until then I’ll enjoy the times I visit and do my best to show him the fun side of this town when he comes.

It’s crazy how something like having love in your life can make everything so much better. Even at the end of the most stressful work day at a place that I can’t stand, the thought of his smiling face makes it a thousand times more bearable.

Quick shoutout to rabb.it for helping us be able to spend time together without being physically together.

Saying It

So Jack and I have been together for almost a month now, which really isn’t very long in the adult dating game, but we feel like we’ve been together for ages. I guess talking for hours a day every day will make things seem that way.

This past weekend he came here to visit and, as always, we had a fantastic time together. It’s so nice to be able to just be our weird selves around each other without having to hold back or tone down. He told me that he keeps anticipating me telling him to stop but it doesn’t happen because I’m just as goofy as he is.

Friday night it finally came out. We said ‘I love you’ and my heart overflowed. It was strange to say but a good kind of strange. As much as long distance sucks, it’s so beyond worth it for what we have.

I’m in love and happier than I have been in years. I don’t miss Micky or anyone else for that matter. They could vanish from my history and I’d still be happy with my geeky space nut man. Feels great to call him all mine. 🙂

Googly Eyes

I can’t get him off my mind at any time. Even when work is a whirlwind of chaos and insanity, I think of his face and I smile. I don’t remember being this caught up (especially this early on) with anyone before, even my ex husband.

Last night we decided to explore Google Hangout and video chatted far too late into the evening. It was so wonderful to see his smiling face in motion (and to see him squeeze that tight little butt for me.) He did research on activities for long distance relationships and even offered to lend me his Xbox 360 and a television so we can play games together in our spare time. Hearing him say out loud that we’re both really invested in this gave me warm fuzzies. He let it slip that he got me a gift for when I come visit next weekend and I got all giddy. Nobody gets me gifts. How thoughtful!

He went to lunch yesterday with his mother and asked her if she wanted to meet me. Apparently she gave him a hard time about having me stay with him that weekend (super Christian ethics means that’s moving WAY too fast!) but he explained just how strongly we felt for each other. It’s one thing to rush – I definitely don’t want to do that – but it’s another thing to find someone you have such a strong connection with and pump the brakes just to be cautious, causing you to possibly lose out on something wonderful. I’ve been the biggest naysayer of ‘love at first sight’ and falling for someone so quickly but I’m being proven quite wrong. She did want to meet me and I’m looking forward to putting on my best sweetheart face for her.

It was so wonderful to have our laptops in bed last night, talking side by side almost as if he were there. We spent a good minute just smiling at each other in silence and I’m always amazed at the significance of such a simple gesture. It’s pure awe and adoration for one another and it’s making me miss that kiss like a madman.

Long distance relationships are difficult but I’d wait as long as I have to knowing that sweet, silly, nerdy man is all mine.

Smitten

I. Am. Smitten.

So smitten.

Jack came to spend the weekend with me and we had a phenomenal time. Even something as simple as watching something on the couch is full of laughter and fun when we’re together. We had genuine adventures together and couldn’t stop smiling. By yesterday evening we were holding hands everywhere we went, stealing kisses and pinching butts whenever we got too close. Together we explored downtown, bar hopped all over, discovered a shitty band playing a set in an alley and pointed out planets in the night sky. By the end of the night I couldn’t look at his face without wanting to kiss him and breathe him in. We spoke candidly about the way we feel for each other – what we decided must be the true definition of a ‘whirlwind romance.’ He told me that he had to tell himself that there’s no way he can be falling in love with someone so quickly.

This is nuts.

This is so so so nuts.

But fuck I love it. This guy. ❤

The Spark

I’ve been pretty MIA for a while. I went through a period of being incredibly depressed and not wanting to talk about anything but I think a major part of that was being with someone I didn’t feel a spark with. I dated Pickle for a few weeks and, while he’s a kind and humorous guy, the embers of my feelings never really lit up. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to answer the phone when he called because I knew exactly what the conversation would be like: Bitch about work, talk about the cat, then awkward silence. Our opposite work schedules made it to where the only times we ever could speak were when our ships crossed in the mornings and evenings, leading to an extremely boring relationship. As soon as I identified this as the source of my unhappiness, I (kindly) explained the situation and broke up with him. No hard feelings but there’s no use hoping feelings will emerge that aren’t there.

I’ve been on several dates since then. Hookah guy was alright. Similar tastes in many things but he’s the type to talk at you rather than with you… plus he owns a fleshlight and that just really bothers me for some reason. I swear the one time I stayed there he was humping the air in his sleep. I think the guy has issues. He’s still trying to get me to see him often but I’m just really not feeling it.

There was the hairy young IT guy, Bill. I actually really enjoyed my date with him. We had coffee and margaritas, spent the night together laughing and goofing off. He even invited me to watch a showcase for the improv class he’d been attending the next day. It was a good one and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit bothered that I didn’t hear from him afterward. Every day on the way to work, I see him walking to his work. Every day I’m tempted to honk my horn or do something to embarrass him but it’s not really worth it. At least we had that one good date.

This week, however, I found that spark. I’ve only been talking to Jack for a few weeks but instantly our conversation was like butter. Not only does he have the same sense of humor and witty way of speaking, he also shares my oddest quirk (an extreme hatred for all things velvet). He’s a third grade science teacher (teacher AND science nerd?!) who helped me discover just how much lab coats turn me on. We started talking on the phone in the evenings and now have a regular theme of speaking for around 3 hours a night.. which is insane. Who talks that much every night with no lulls in conversation? Of course there has to be a downside because life can’t make it easy. He lives 3 1/2 hours away which is a total bummer. This week has been my vacation week from work and since he’s off for most of the summer, he offered to come visit on Tuesday. I had such a great time that my cheeks were hurting from smiling. He ended up staying the night and making plans then and there to come spend more time with me this weekend.

Of course, as always, I do my best not to get my hopes up but there’s something so magical about actually feeling that spark with someone.

I also feel that I should mention where I stand on the Micky situation. I had already started to get past him. I hadn’t talked to him much at all and was doing my best to cram his chapter back into the book of those 6 months of hell. He spoke with me last week and said that he wanted to come visit, spend a day and catch up. We made plans for him to come last Saturday. Of course, ‘something came up’ and he couldn’t make it, though he kept me updated through the day on his excuses. Fine, whatever, it was the second time he’d flaked on visiting. He swore up and down that he would come on Monday instead. I agreed but took it with a grain of salt. Sure enough, not a single peep from him that day. Maybe it was his goal to get me super disappointed in him so I could move on. If so, way to go because I’m completely over it now. I felt extremely disrespected but at the same time, he wasn’t on my mind at all. Only Jack. He still hasn’t spoken to me since and I’m not going to push for contact anymore. Consider this my closing of the Micky chapter.

I’m just going to enjoy this flame that’s finally lit between Jack and I. I certainly missed this warmth.

 

Lost

I really need some advice on this one.

So I do like Pickle. He’s sweet and doting and shares my sense of humor and many interests. I really started feeling a flicker of feelings and it was exciting.

Ever since Micky texted me I can’t get him out of my head. I’d gotten him off of my mind and started moving on and with one text he consumed me again.

It’s made me start to compare the two and it’s not right. It’s made the flicker for Pickle start to fizzle and it sucks. There’s no proof Micky would even be emotionally available to me right now anyway. I’ve been trying so hard to put that fire out but the damn embers just won’t stop burning.

What should I do? Should I talk to Micky about it? Should I push him to the past and try to fan the flames with Pickle? There’s enough stress going on with my day to day life right now that this just makes it all 10 times more difficult. I long for the inspiration love once gave me but fear I won’t have it back. I don’t want a stone heart. I need color back in my monochromatic life.

Tough Decisions

Before I moved back to where I am now, the goal was to find a new job where I was (about an hour and a half away) so I could find a place of my own there. Missing the world of preschool, I interviewed at one in the area. I absolutely loved it. Small ratios, creativity based, an open and warm staff that reminded me of the place I worked at for years when I lived in Dallas. Unfortunately the pay wasn’t enough and I had to pass it up. Unable to find something that made enough, the decision was to move back to where my family was.

This evening the owner of said preschool called me and offered me the position of Assistant Director. This is a dream for me! Assistant director in a center that felt so warm and comforting? Like dude, their cook is a professional chef who will go to the farmer’s market in the morning and cook lunch from what he finds there that day. How cool is that?!!

The only problem is I’d have to  move back there.. right after I moved where I am now. I love my apartment and this cute little city I live in. The city the job is offered in is a bit bigger, the capital in fact. Many new opportunities. Also, Pickle lives 2 hours in the opposite direction so that would put a huge strain on our already long distance relationship.

Oh.. and Micky lives there. *chugs bottle of wine*

Still bothered.

It’s really fucking unfair for Ricky to say those things to me the other day. Now I’m all messed up in the head and doubting everything and it’s not right. Fuck I hate feelings. This is why I tried to stay away from them. I just want to be happy and hopeful but I’m still waking up with an aching heart. Can I do this long distance/opposite work schedule thing? I need to find something to fill up my time. I need inspiration. I need hope. I need Pickle to be able to provide those things. I seem to be doing a shit job of finding them on my own.

Being “official” and the crap that comes with it

So today Pickle and I became “Facebook official” and I forgot how annoying that can be. Everyone wants to know details, talk about it, all that shit that I like to keep private. That, I can handle. The hard part was when Micky texted me saying that he was happy for me but a bit jealous. He reiterated how our timing together sucked and said how if this new guy didn’t treat me like a queen, he’d have to answer to him. The main reason I moved on was to get over him. It doesn’t help to know that his feelings are still there too. Pickle deserves a shot, Micky agrees, and I’m not going to let that fall through in the hopes of something that may never be. It hurts still, thinking of Micky, and it might always sting, but bridging our relationship into a friendship is a favorable outcome.
Fucking feelings. Blah.