Silence is a Good Thing

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. I realize this but it’s for the best of reasons. Silence in my blog means that my heart and mind have found peace, or at least for the most part.

I’m over the moon in love with Jack and am overjoyed to be out of the dating game. There is such comfort with him and the life he’s helped immerse me in. I love his friends, his family, his lifestyle. For the first time in years I feel like I really belong somewhere. It’s a shame that it isn’t here and that I can only experience a few times a month but I am thankful for each moment that I can be there.

Long distance relationships are difficult and something that I avoided for the longest time but I truly feel that it’s absolutely worth it for this one. This place never really felt like home anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get to escape and be with him in a place where I fit a bit better. Until then I’ll enjoy the times I visit and do my best to show him the fun side of this town when he comes.

It’s crazy how something like having love in your life can make everything so much better. Even at the end of the most stressful work day at a place that I can’t stand, the thought of his smiling face makes it a thousand times more bearable.

Quick shoutout to rabb.it for helping us be able to spend time together without being physically together.

Saying It

So Jack and I have been together for almost a month now, which really isn’t very long in the adult dating game, but we feel like we’ve been together for ages. I guess talking for hours a day every day will make things seem that way.

This past weekend he came here to visit and, as always, we had a fantastic time together. It’s so nice to be able to just be our weird selves around each other without having to hold back or tone down. He told me that he keeps anticipating me telling him to stop but it doesn’t happen because I’m just as goofy as he is.

Friday night it finally came out. We said ‘I love you’ and my heart overflowed. It was strange to say but a good kind of strange. As much as long distance sucks, it’s so beyond worth it for what we have.

I’m in love and happier than I have been in years. I don’t miss Micky or anyone else for that matter. They could vanish from my history and I’d still be happy with my geeky space nut man. Feels great to call him all mine. 🙂

Googly Eyes

I can’t get him off my mind at any time. Even when work is a whirlwind of chaos and insanity, I think of his face and I smile. I don’t remember being this caught up (especially this early on) with anyone before, even my ex husband.

Last night we decided to explore Google Hangout and video chatted far too late into the evening. It was so wonderful to see his smiling face in motion (and to see him squeeze that tight little butt for me.) He did research on activities for long distance relationships and even offered to lend me his Xbox 360 and a television so we can play games together in our spare time. Hearing him say out loud that we’re both really invested in this gave me warm fuzzies. He let it slip that he got me a gift for when I come visit next weekend and I got all giddy. Nobody gets me gifts. How thoughtful!

He went to lunch yesterday with his mother and asked her if she wanted to meet me. Apparently she gave him a hard time about having me stay with him that weekend (super Christian ethics means that’s moving WAY too fast!) but he explained just how strongly we felt for each other. It’s one thing to rush – I definitely don’t want to do that – but it’s another thing to find someone you have such a strong connection with and pump the brakes just to be cautious, causing you to possibly lose out on something wonderful. I’ve been the biggest naysayer of ‘love at first sight’ and falling for someone so quickly but I’m being proven quite wrong. She did want to meet me and I’m looking forward to putting on my best sweetheart face for her.

It was so wonderful to have our laptops in bed last night, talking side by side almost as if he were there. We spent a good minute just smiling at each other in silence and I’m always amazed at the significance of such a simple gesture. It’s pure awe and adoration for one another and it’s making me miss that kiss like a madman.

Long distance relationships are difficult but I’d wait as long as I have to knowing that sweet, silly, nerdy man is all mine.

Smitten

I. Am. Smitten.

So smitten.

Jack came to spend the weekend with me and we had a phenomenal time. Even something as simple as watching something on the couch is full of laughter and fun when we’re together. We had genuine adventures together and couldn’t stop smiling. By yesterday evening we were holding hands everywhere we went, stealing kisses and pinching butts whenever we got too close. Together we explored downtown, bar hopped all over, discovered a shitty band playing a set in an alley and pointed out planets in the night sky. By the end of the night I couldn’t look at his face without wanting to kiss him and breathe him in. We spoke candidly about the way we feel for each other – what we decided must be the true definition of a ‘whirlwind romance.’ He told me that he had to tell himself that there’s no way he can be falling in love with someone so quickly.

This is nuts.

This is so so so nuts.

But fuck I love it. This guy. ❤

The Spark

I’ve been pretty MIA for a while. I went through a period of being incredibly depressed and not wanting to talk about anything but I think a major part of that was being with someone I didn’t feel a spark with. I dated Pickle for a few weeks and, while he’s a kind and humorous guy, the embers of my feelings never really lit up. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to answer the phone when he called because I knew exactly what the conversation would be like: Bitch about work, talk about the cat, then awkward silence. Our opposite work schedules made it to where the only times we ever could speak were when our ships crossed in the mornings and evenings, leading to an extremely boring relationship. As soon as I identified this as the source of my unhappiness, I (kindly) explained the situation and broke up with him. No hard feelings but there’s no use hoping feelings will emerge that aren’t there.

I’ve been on several dates since then. Hookah guy was alright. Similar tastes in many things but he’s the type to talk at you rather than with you… plus he owns a fleshlight and that just really bothers me for some reason. I swear the one time I stayed there he was humping the air in his sleep. I think the guy has issues. He’s still trying to get me to see him often but I’m just really not feeling it.

There was the hairy young IT guy, Bill. I actually really enjoyed my date with him. We had coffee and margaritas, spent the night together laughing and goofing off. He even invited me to watch a showcase for the improv class he’d been attending the next day. It was a good one and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit bothered that I didn’t hear from him afterward. Every day on the way to work, I see him walking to his work. Every day I’m tempted to honk my horn or do something to embarrass him but it’s not really worth it. At least we had that one good date.

This week, however, I found that spark. I’ve only been talking to Jack for a few weeks but instantly our conversation was like butter. Not only does he have the same sense of humor and witty way of speaking, he also shares my oddest quirk (an extreme hatred for all things velvet). He’s a third grade science teacher (teacher AND science nerd?!) who helped me discover just how much lab coats turn me on. We started talking on the phone in the evenings and now have a regular theme of speaking for around 3 hours a night.. which is insane. Who talks that much every night with no lulls in conversation? Of course there has to be a downside because life can’t make it easy. He lives 3 1/2 hours away which is a total bummer. This week has been my vacation week from work and since he’s off for most of the summer, he offered to come visit on Tuesday. I had such a great time that my cheeks were hurting from smiling. He ended up staying the night and making plans then and there to come spend more time with me this weekend.

Of course, as always, I do my best not to get my hopes up but there’s something so magical about actually feeling that spark with someone.

I also feel that I should mention where I stand on the Micky situation. I had already started to get past him. I hadn’t talked to him much at all and was doing my best to cram his chapter back into the book of those 6 months of hell. He spoke with me last week and said that he wanted to come visit, spend a day and catch up. We made plans for him to come last Saturday. Of course, ‘something came up’ and he couldn’t make it, though he kept me updated through the day on his excuses. Fine, whatever, it was the second time he’d flaked on visiting. He swore up and down that he would come on Monday instead. I agreed but took it with a grain of salt. Sure enough, not a single peep from him that day. Maybe it was his goal to get me super disappointed in him so I could move on. If so, way to go because I’m completely over it now. I felt extremely disrespected but at the same time, he wasn’t on my mind at all. Only Jack. He still hasn’t spoken to me since and I’m not going to push for contact anymore. Consider this my closing of the Micky chapter.

I’m just going to enjoy this flame that’s finally lit between Jack and I. I certainly missed this warmth.

 

Lost

I really need some advice on this one.

So I do like Pickle. He’s sweet and doting and shares my sense of humor and many interests. I really started feeling a flicker of feelings and it was exciting.

Ever since Micky texted me I can’t get him out of my head. I’d gotten him off of my mind and started moving on and with one text he consumed me again.

It’s made me start to compare the two and it’s not right. It’s made the flicker for Pickle start to fizzle and it sucks. There’s no proof Micky would even be emotionally available to me right now anyway. I’ve been trying so hard to put that fire out but the damn embers just won’t stop burning.

What should I do? Should I talk to Micky about it? Should I push him to the past and try to fan the flames with Pickle? There’s enough stress going on with my day to day life right now that this just makes it all 10 times more difficult. I long for the inspiration love once gave me but fear I won’t have it back. I don’t want a stone heart. I need color back in my monochromatic life.

Tough Decisions

Before I moved back to where I am now, the goal was to find a new job where I was (about an hour and a half away) so I could find a place of my own there. Missing the world of preschool, I interviewed at one in the area. I absolutely loved it. Small ratios, creativity based, an open and warm staff that reminded me of the place I worked at for years when I lived in Dallas. Unfortunately the pay wasn’t enough and I had to pass it up. Unable to find something that made enough, the decision was to move back to where my family was.

This evening the owner of said preschool called me and offered me the position of Assistant Director. This is a dream for me! Assistant director in a center that felt so warm and comforting? Like dude, their cook is a professional chef who will go to the farmer’s market in the morning and cook lunch from what he finds there that day. How cool is that?!!

The only problem is I’d have to  move back there.. right after I moved where I am now. I love my apartment and this cute little city I live in. The city the job is offered in is a bit bigger, the capital in fact. Many new opportunities. Also, Pickle lives 2 hours in the opposite direction so that would put a huge strain on our already long distance relationship.

Oh.. and Micky lives there. *chugs bottle of wine*

Still bothered.

It’s really fucking unfair for Ricky to say those things to me the other day. Now I’m all messed up in the head and doubting everything and it’s not right. Fuck I hate feelings. This is why I tried to stay away from them. I just want to be happy and hopeful but I’m still waking up with an aching heart. Can I do this long distance/opposite work schedule thing? I need to find something to fill up my time. I need inspiration. I need hope. I need Pickle to be able to provide those things. I seem to be doing a shit job of finding them on my own.

Being “official” and the crap that comes with it

So today Pickle and I became “Facebook official” and I forgot how annoying that can be. Everyone wants to know details, talk about it, all that shit that I like to keep private. That, I can handle. The hard part was when Micky texted me saying that he was happy for me but a bit jealous. He reiterated how our timing together sucked and said how if this new guy didn’t treat me like a queen, he’d have to answer to him. The main reason I moved on was to get over him. It doesn’t help to know that his feelings are still there too. Pickle deserves a shot, Micky agrees, and I’m not going to let that fall through in the hopes of something that may never be. It hurts still, thinking of Micky, and it might always sting, but bridging our relationship into a friendship is a favorable outcome.
Fucking feelings. Blah.

Taken

So I suppose I’m no longer a single woman on the prowl. Despite not being able to see each other for another few weeks, Pickle and I still talk all the time. Because of opposite work schedules it’s generally only to and from work that we get to talk on the phone but it’s become a regular thing and I really enjoy it. We’ve already started to make plans to hang out for a few days during my vacation in July and he’s even bought us pre-order tickets to the Renaissance festival in the fall. All of this future talk brought up the subject of us being officially dating and we were both in agreement that we’re pretty crazy about each other. It’s strange to call someone my boyfriend after being single a while but it’s a happy strange. My dating profiles are collecting dust and his name is the one I hope to see every time my phone goes off. I think it’s helpful, actually, that he lives a good distance and we can only talk in the mornings and evenings. It allots me the freedom to have my space and live my own life during the day with something to look forward to at the end. Here’s to hoping this goes somewhere good.

This decision was the cherry topper on a good day. Yesterday  morning was the Color Run. I’ve never participated in a 5k before but it always looked fun. My mom came with me and several of my coworkers were there as well. Of course we just briskly walked it but I really enjoyed it. Around the 2.5 mile mark I started really getting into my groove and could gone another lap. Maybe this is something I’ll do more of in the future. It really did feel great to accomplish something and be outside trying something new. My hip is killing me today but I’m okay with that. At least I know it was for a good reason.

Next week my cousin is coming in to town to spend time with family and figure out her next step for moving out from living with her husband. It would be the next time that Pickle is available to come see me but I told him that she had to come first. After he and I made “us” official, I asked her what her plan was for the weekend (on the off-chance that he could still come for a day) but apparently her plan is to hang out with me and another cousin Saturday and then stay with me that night, which is great. I’ll miss seeing Pickle but it will be worth it to spend time with her. I’ve been toying with the thought of offering to let her come stay with me for a while. As much as I love my solitude, I can’t really afford this place on my own with the crap pay my job currently offers. I have major trust issues with roommates but I know and trust her so I think it would be alright. We already live similar lifestyles so that shouldn’t cause issues. It’s certainly something to consider and I’ll see what she thinks about it.

I’m glad to see things starting to change and move in different directions for me. I was beginning to feel way too stagnant and unhappy with the way of things. I began to lose track of what has always kept me inspired – the excitement of the unknown. Here’s to diving back into life. It’s time.