So I suppose I’m no longer a single woman on the prowl. Despite not being able to see each other for another few weeks, Pickle and I still talk all the time. Because of opposite work schedules it’s generally only to and from work that we get to talk on the phone but it’s become a regular thing and I really enjoy it. We’ve already started to make plans to hang out for a few days during my vacation in July and he’s even bought us pre-order tickets to the Renaissance festival in the fall. All of this future talk brought up the subject of us being officially dating and we were both in agreement that we’re pretty crazy about each other. It’s strange to call someone my boyfriend after being single a while but it’s a happy strange. My dating profiles are collecting dust and his name is the one I hope to see every time my phone goes off. I think it’s helpful, actually, that he lives a good distance and we can only talk in the mornings and evenings. It allots me the freedom to have my space and live my own life during the day with something to look forward to at the end. Here’s to hoping this goes somewhere good.

This decision was the cherry topper on a good day. Yesterday  morning was the Color Run. I’ve never participated in a 5k before but it always looked fun. My mom came with me and several of my coworkers were there as well. Of course we just briskly walked it but I really enjoyed it. Around the 2.5 mile mark I started really getting into my groove and could gone another lap. Maybe this is something I’ll do more of in the future. It really did feel great to accomplish something and be outside trying something new. My hip is killing me today but I’m okay with that. At least I know it was for a good reason.

Next week my cousin is coming in to town to spend time with family and figure out her next step for moving out from living with her husband. It would be the next time that Pickle is available to come see me but I told him that she had to come first. After he and I made “us” official, I asked her what her plan was for the weekend (on the off-chance that he could still come for a day) but apparently her plan is to hang out with me and another cousin Saturday and then stay with me that night, which is great. I’ll miss seeing Pickle but it will be worth it to spend time with her. I’ve been toying with the thought of offering to let her come stay with me for a while. As much as I love my solitude, I can’t really afford this place on my own with the crap pay my job currently offers. I have major trust issues with roommates but I know and trust her so I think it would be alright. We already live similar lifestyles so that shouldn’t cause issues. It’s certainly something to consider and I’ll see what she thinks about it.

I’m glad to see things starting to change and move in different directions for me. I was beginning to feel way too stagnant and unhappy with the way of things. I began to lose track of what has always kept me inspired – the excitement of the unknown. Here’s to diving back into life. It’s time.



I suppose that for the last year and a half I’ve gotten pretty used to not having close friendships with others. When I moved to a new state, my old friends moved on and I set out to find my own way alone. It takes time to discover who you are without anyone to impress and the journey doing so makes it take quite some time to build up real friendships. Even with my family, it’s taken time and it still has its awkward moments. Well I guess I’ve reached that point of comfort and trust with others that my old ways of being the one to talk to have re-emerged.

At the beginning of the week, Jerry opened up to me about relationship issues he’s been having with his girlfriend. Apparently they’ve been together a month. He loves her, she tells him she needs a break because she’s overwhelmed. I could tell him what I honestly think, which is that she’s not ready for love and the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way scares her into wanting to end it, but I can’t do that to someone who’s feelings I care about. I let him pour it all out and gave the most encouraging (yet realistic) advice that I could. I need to check up on him to see how he’s doing. Kinda got lost in an accidental social overdose since then.

The next day, my co-worker was an emotional wreck. Apparently her and her boyfriend got in a huge fight and he spent the night with his sister, claiming he needed a few days apart from her. Oh boy, I’d heard things before and was none too impressed the first time I met him. My opinion? He’s immature, jealous and childish while she’s losing herself to be what he wants her to be when he doesn’t even know what that is. Again, can I say that? No. She loves unconditionally and will find any way to defend him – I know her type. So I offer to let her come over after work for a drink and to let her vent. Lordy can that woman talk! I swear she gave me her entire life story. She would only take a breath from talking when her phone would go off and then she was dead to the world as she checked her messages. I took that opportunity of silence to check my phone since mine had gone off too. It was my cousin, the only other female black sheep in the family and therefore my closest for as long as I can remember. The text said “I think I got married too soon. I need to get out and I need your advice.”  Now my head is spinning. Shit just got real and Bree is babbling on about what her high school schedule was like. It made it difficult to formulate meaningful responses to my cousin. I had intended on a peaceful evening alone – like always – and suddenly I felt like an avalanche of people needing my attention and my anxiety was rising. I found myself eagerly awaiting news that Bree’s ride would be there soon which then made me feel like an asshole for wanting her to leave when she really needed that friend to lean on and listen to her incessant rambling. I listened deeply to both, gave the best advice and encouragement that I could, and breathed a huge breath of relief when Bree left and my cousin said good night.

This same week, Micky sent me a message. I hadn’t talked to him in a while but I knew that he had recently been to divorce court and that it hadn’t gone well. I didn’t press him for details because, like me, he tends to find solace in solitude. I left him be but told him I was always there to talk to if he needed me. Turns out it did not go well at all and he’s in a rough place. He didn’t see his little girl for 6 weeks, he has to sell his house, he must surrender his dogs to his ex, and he just lost his job. Damn. 2016 was supposed to be better than last year. Why is everyone so miserable?!??! He’s still in my pending que to have a long deep talk with  – along with Jerry and my estranged grandmother I still haven’t had the balls to call back. Oh and Hedburg who recently lost disabilities benefits and his grandmother just died. Sheesh.

Honestly, I’d rather have hours of manual work around my home than have long conversations with people almost any day. It’s a shitty thing but 80% of the time I don’t want to interact with a single other human being, except any potential lover – that’s when the dynamic changes. Of course this sudden wave of being “popular” would come when I do have someone that I eagerly await texts and calls from. I’ve still been talking to Pickle on a regular basis as our ships cross in the mornings and evenings. We had such a great time on Saturday and honestly, miss each other already. He wanted to come visit again the weekend after next (his next weekend off) but my cousin is coming in to town that weekend and I really need to be a good friend and be there for her. It will be good to spend time alone together. We’re such similar people but have lived completely different lives, only crossing paths maybe once a year. I look forward to building up our friendship. At the same time, if Pickle’s off weekends are the only times we can hang out, it’ll be another 3 1/2 weeks until we can see each other again which is a total bummer. But – priorities.

Having friendships is exhausting.


Despite my great date a few weeks ago with Clove, our conversation only lasted a few more days and then dropped off. I decided to let that go. He can make the effort if he wants to keep in contact. At least it narrowed down the two people I’ve been talking to so that Pickle is the only one remaining. My dating profiles have been untouched for a while and I even got a message the other day from Tinder informing me that I will no longer show up in local matches until I reactivate it. Works for me. Juggling a bunch of shitty conversations at once is exhausting.

Well this weekend, I actually got to spend some time with Pickle. He lives two hours away and works nights so conversation is spotty sometimes but I always look forward to his name popping up on my phone. He came by on Friday evening to stay that night and spend the day on Saturday (his sleeping locale understandably dependent on how we clicked in person), something I had been looking forward to all week. First impressions? Tall, a little chubby (but I like that), big hands (my biggest turn-on), instant smile and open arms for a hug (which I gladly obliged). We clicked just as well as on the phone and as we walked to the door of the restaurant for dinner, he took my hand with an “Is this ok?” and opened the door for me. Afterward, we curled up on the couch at home and watched Netflix until our eyelids began to droop. He earned his spot in my comfortable bed for the night and was a champion cuddler. Not much hanky panky went down (thanks to a timely reminder of my fertility) but we did play around some. We had to. After having phone sex a couple of times, the curiosity was too much. Plus it’s quite difficult to be wrapped up in someone’s arms, feeling their hard sex against your thigh, and abstain from giving in to some urges. He was never pushy and was quite skilled at returning the favor of hand exploration (and now that I know what he’s working with-quite proportional to that big solid body, I can’t wait to actually experience it.) We slept like babies and set off the next morning for breakfast and to enjoy a stroll downtown. We walked hand-in-hand, commenting on shops and restaurants, me giving him whatever small tidbits of information I know about the area. We wandered into the science museum and studied the exhibits together, him occasionally smiling and offering a step stool when he’d catch me on my tip toes to look into a case. The planetarium show that morning was a kids’ film where a magical tree house transports kids to places in books. We still got giddy for the visuals and would quietly murmur our snarky comments to each other. The day was fantastic and ended with us just curled up together in bed watching silly videos and daydreaming about getting a corgi and moving to Colorado. I didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want to go. I thoroughly enjoyed our time spent. The fact that he doesn’t smoke or drink is a plus as well since I only had about 4 cigarettes altogether and had no desire to drink to feel comfortable around him. I want to be happy sober and healthy so this influence is a major asset to me. I didn’t want to smoke around him as he had previously commented on how he disliked being around the smoke and didn’t mind if I did it but would be adverse to kissing right after I sucked one down. Contradictory enough, once I finished my first cigarette in his company and we went back inside, he slipped his hand around my waist, pulled me close and kissed me tenderly on the lips commenting “This is how much I like you, to kiss you right after a cigarette.” On his way out of town I got a “Miss you already” text and a good morning one this morning. Knowing I’m on his mind just as prevalent as before is a good sign. You know, I actually had a dream that I was with him in my sleep the night he shared my bed. Strange, those dreams.

Today is Mother’s Day and I’ve told my mom that I’m all hers today. She doesn’t know what she wants to do but figures it will involve my Grandma and Aunt which is just fine with me. I’m happy and feel good so I know it will be an enyoyable time, whatever we do. I wish I could afford to take her out, get her a nice gift, treat her as she deserves to be treated – spoil her to dinner, breakfast, and the museum like Pickle did for me. Who knows what we’ll do but I can’t see it not being an over-all pleasant experience of a weekend. I’m certainly still wearing a smile from yesterday.

How I’m Living for Others lately

I find it interesting that people choose to open up to me about their relationship issues. I’m single, divorced, no clue what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I’m just not good at taking my own advice. Yesterday I invited my co-teacher over after work. She got into a fight with her boyfriend the other day and he’s been staying at his sister’s since. She was a wreck so I offered to make her a drink and let her get it all off her chest. Oh my goodness can that girl talk – when she wants to. If she wasn’t rambling on about every aspect of her life (which I know she needed to do, so I listened to it all) she was glued to her phone, tuning out anything I could be saying. This kind of worked out, though, as my cousin started texting me at the same time saying she thinks she rushed into marriage and wants to get out. So here I am, the girl that had hoped for a calm evening to get chores done, juggling two girls crying to me about their failing relationships. I gave the best advice I could, let them know I was there for them, but it was difficult to give them both the attention they really needed. Once my co-worker finally left and my cousin said good night, an ex that I’ve been hanging out with once or twice as friends prompted me for sex again. Ugh. “Do you ever think about having sex with me again?” No, no I don’t. I’m well aware that you regret leaving that night, causing me to dump you and move on but just because I’m single now doesn’t mean I miss you. He’s emotionally unstable and latches on to people easily so I keep a good arm’s length there.

As far as the dating front goes, I haven’t spoken to Clove in a couple of weeks. Our conversation began to dwindle after that date and I’m not going to be the one to beg for attention. Honestly, the other guy who I had been talking to for just as long has still been strong in the picture, in fact he’s the only one I talk to now. No dating apps, no juggling people, just me and Pickle. He makes me laugh and is one of the few people I’ve ever had phone sex with. He’s planning to come visit this weekend and I’m very excited for it. Unfortunately, Murphy’s Law is always against me and my period just started so no sexy fun time for me. Fuck. I was really looking forward to that. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be just as content feeling the warmth of his body near me. Who knows how it will go but I’m very hopeful.

On another note, how fucked up is it that the preschool I work at doesn’t recognize Teacher Appreciation Week? The only parents who are aware are teacher parents themselves. The bosses say nothing, promote nothing, don’t even tell us thank you. Way to do the complete opposite of boosting morale. I need a new job somewhere that actually appreciates the people working there.

Sexting with your Ex: Taboo?

The other day, when I made that emotional post about feeling such guilt about the way things went down with my ex-husband, it bothered me deeply all morning. When I got on my lunch break I had to find some relief so I sent him a text explaining how selfish I felt and how sorry I was. He told me that he already forgave me long ago and that I shouldn’t let the pain of the past hold me back. We talked all day long about how we felt, how we get through the day-to-day, reminiscing about memories and soon about some of our best lustful encounters. He and I always shared an overactive sex drive. It was what initially connected us and helped us understand each other so well. Before he left, I encouraged him to pursue his interest in writing, something he had always claimed he wanted to do but never actually did. His story turned out to be erotica, the story of the first night him and I (re)met and the intense passion that ensued. I loved it and encouraged him to do more. Yesterday he sent me another story he had written – one about a guard and a prisoner who used his body while he was chained to the bars. There’s still this sexual hunger in our texts, teasing about what we once did, what we’d love to do again.

I’m happy to be back in regular contact with him. We’ve been texting regularly since that afternoon and it feels so good to be talking to someone who actually knows me. My only fear is that talking to each other like this might bring up old feelings and confuse me even further. Or maybe that’s just my over-thinking tendencies. I dunno. Who am I to do anything the normal way?

Emotions, can you just like, not?

Had a good day yesterday, and woke up in a good mood today – until I remembered a glimpse of a dream where my ex-husband and I told each other that we missed one another. That one hit deep. Now the tears are rolling and I’m trying to drink my breakfast drink through it to pull it together for work. Man, I miss what I had.

I  have a friend on facebook, a guy I’ve known for probably a good 6 years or so. When my ex-husband and I were just starting to hook up, he had approached me saying that he had feelings for me. I shut him down because my heart was already in it with someone else, despite this guy being a genuinely great person. Not long afterward, he began to date another friend of mine. I’ve seen their journey to a new house together, taking vacations, bonding with his kids, and now they’re engaged. I’m very happy for them but it makes it visually obvious what kind of opportunity I  passed up. I loved my husband, but he didn’t have drive in life – now it seems he’s doing far better than me in that aspect. What is it about me that when I push someone away, they soar above me and I sink far below? What if my ex really was the one for me and I’ve been so lost and miserable because he’s not with me anymore? Why do I keep sabotaging my own life?

Damnit, spring won’t last forever. Pretty soon I won’t be able to use the allergy excuse for my eyes in the mornings.


I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m no longer stuck in a funk, and that I really am back to battling that “depression” demon on my back. I’m drifting through each day with a constant sense of failure and I find myself physically forcing my mind to focus on the moment at hand. As I was driving home from work yesterday I shouted “Damnit!” as I felt the tears welling up and cranked the music up, making myself sing along, telling myself that this isn’t a bad moment and that I need to try to be in it.

It’s the random moments that make it so apparent. I had a pretty good night last night. After work I went to Hedburg’s place to watch the latest few episodes of Archer. I laughed and enjoyed the shows then came home to cook dinner and get lost in Netflix for a bit. As I began to turn off the lights, I suddenly recalled the silly tradition my ex-husband and I had when it was time for bed. One of us would say “Sleepy cuddle time?” to which the other would reply “Sleepy cuddle time!” and we’d both chant it, making our way to bed, wrapping up in each others arms and drifting off to the peace of knowing our love was near. I fell asleep trying my hardest to envision the color black instead of the other thoughts trying to flow through. When I woke up, I laid in bed for an eternity, feeling the emptiness next to me, remembering waking up in someone’s arms – not the physicality of it, but the emotional connection and feeling of safety.

When I go to work, I don’t look forward to it – but I don’t cringe at the thought of it either. It’s just that thing that takes up my day. It may be a good day, it may not, but at least it’s something to do. Then I get my paycheck and my heart wrenches again at the meager pay and the fact that I still have to borrow money from my mother to get by, even with my dollar store grocery budget. Fun events coming to town? That’s nice. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford anything. My life is work, netflix, shower, sleep – repeat. Sometimes someone will take me out somewhere and I truly do appreciate and enjoy those moments. Last Saturday was fantastic though Clove and I haven’t been able to talk much during the week. It happens. Whatever. Still talk to other guy (Pickle) here and there but the whole opposite work schedule has made that pretty slim as well. I deleted POF from my phone. I was only keeping it there for the opportunity at good conversation but would just feel more and more let down by it so I just let it go.

Today my mother is coming over to spend the day and night with me. The biggest annual festival around these parts is going on this weekend and we plan to go together like we did last year. It’s actually in walking distance of my apartment, which is convenient. When I was cooking last night, I had my kitchen window open, listening to the music and cheers from the crowd. It helped center and distract me a bit. I’m sure I’ll have a good time with my mom today. I just need to try to focus on the moment. I’ve already had my morning cry and vow to do my best to keep it together through the day. I hate showing my mom my weak side. Maybe later we’ll have wine to make it easier to talk about. Have you ever just had that recurring pain in your chest that just makes you want to stab it away with a knife so it will shut up and release you? Yeah maybe I shouldn’t tell her that. Don’t worry folks – not suicidal – just way too familiar with this more-than-a-funk.


Yesterday I took a big step in trying to get out of this lonely funk. Of the aforementioned two people I’ve been talking to, the one who started reading my current book series asked if I’d like to spend Saturday with him. After some deep breaths, I agreed to go ahead and give it a shot. If nothing else, I’d get out of the house which my mother has been barraging me to do lately. I’ve decided to call him Clove, since those are the only type of cigarette he smokes and the smell that’s still lingering in my nostrils this morning.

First, we agreed to Greek food for lunch. I looooooove Greek food so I was all about it. I only ended up eating half of my falafel wrap while we were there due to the unstoppable conversation. At first he seemed quiet and timid, like he was unsure how to read the situation, but I soon learned he had a quiet demeanor, like me. We boxed up our meals to go, popped them into my fridge since I lived so close, and carpooled to the local Go Kart/Mini Golf/Arcade place. I’d never been before but he had suggested it and I figured it would at least make for an entertaining date. I’m sure he must have spent a good $30 on tokens while we were there. We tried every game in the building and were near tears laughing together just 5 games in. At the wheel of fortune game there was a bench you could sit on to play – big enough for 2 children, or two adults squeezing in. I initially sat to play the game with him, and then I noticed him crouching down to sit next to me. For a moment my heart jumped – someone touching me? Last time was terrifying and it was just an arm around the shoulders. He sat down, thigh against mine, arm brushing against me as he put in the tokens. I breathed him in and felt his warmth and I was okay. I actually liked it. Human contact I like!! Once we’d finished using all of the tokens he had on hand, we put our tickets in the counter, ready to eye the prizes when we saw a game to knock down clowns with little red balls. The (adult) people playing were racking up in the ticket department. A nice blue mound had piled up next to them and our eyes lit up as we turned to one another and he declared we MUST beat down some clowns! We lingered a few feet back, anxious to claim the game as soon as it was available, laughing together at how awkward we looked loitering around in a room full of kids to play a game. In the end, we decided to spend our tickets on a zombie bendy doll for him to hang from his rear view mirror, a tiny Finn figure that now sits on my toothbrush holder and 6 mystery tattoos (a nice blend of super heroes and princesses). We then played a round of mini golf, making up scores and awful jokes about their disgusting water trickling through the course. When we’d both get our balls in the hole, Clove would fish them out and hold his hand open for me to take mine. By the end of the rounds I was purposefully grazing my fingertips along the palm of his hand. We played the last hole together, counting down and hitting our balls at the same time. I’m pretty sure that’s the most fun I’ve ever had playing that game. Afterward we stopped by the store to get a bottle of wine (and become waaaaay too distracted by the dollar section) and then headed back to my place to ink each other up.

Youtube was our entertainment, sharing songs and a breathtaking wordless movie about the world and the people in it. We’d periodically pick a tattoo at random (he got all the princesses) and apply them to each other. He started with my arm, then my leg, then my neck and chest. Each time I’d feel the warmth from his hand as he held the damp rag to my skin. He began to lean over me to pick a video to watch. I got excited. I had none of the fears of being close. I happily let him closer and closer. Still talking and laughing through the evening, we sat together against the wall outside to smoke. We agreed that it had been a wonderful day and in an instant our lips were locked. Oh how I missed kissing! It went on for an eternity and, once inside, led to a heated walk to the bedroom. The sex was tender, passionate and gentle. We were both quite intoxicated from the wine but still enjoyed every bit. I don’t even remember falling asleep afterward but when I woke it was near 6am. Forgetting to close the blinds and curtains the night before, the light from the grey sky filtered into the room and onto Clove laying beside me. He smiled and said “Hey.” We snuggled up close and spent the next few hours resting, kissing, a small bit of sex and holding each other. Periodically he would kiss my cheek or head. It felt sweet, comforting. Eventually we had to get up so he could head home. We embraced and he went on his way.

First off, FINALLY. I feel so relieved to get some of that pent up frustration out. Now, thoughts on Clove. Physically he’s really not my type (a tall skinny freckly redhead) but looks have never really mattered to me in the end. He is quite handsome in the face and has a great smile. As far as the size down below, Damn. I actually had to stop him last night in my usual favorite position because the size was hurting me. I was drunk and it was hurting me. He was wonderful in bed, extremely satisfying and a big time cuddler which is a major plus. We clicked extremely well. Our sense of humor mirrored the other well and the conversation flowed with ease. He lives about an hour away and has 2 kids that I’m assuming he has every other weekend. Hmm. I think I may like this guy.

Looking Forward

It’s amazing how sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone can be just what you need. I’ve been in private sadness for quite some time. Most of my life really. I have a terrible habit of telling people I’m just fine and keeping everything to myself – the main reason I started this blog, actually. Yesterday I got back in contact with my ex husband and made an (admittedly vague) post on Facebook about feeling more lost the more I try to find myself. It was a rough day. I hadn’t felt pain like that in a while. Since then, it’s amazed me how some people really do care. My mother surprised me today by cleaning my entire apartment while I was away at work, my ex husband randomly texted me about the puzzle he’s working on that we had bought together and he took with him in the separation, and a mother from the old preschool I used to work at reached out to me to talk openly about depression and finding yourself when you feel alone. I think sometimes we build it up in our heads that nobody cares because we’ve lost that value in ourselves. I’m still hurting but I feel like I can breathe a little. I haven’t been completely forgotten.

On another note, I’m doing something I swore I’d never do. For a little while now I’ve been talking to two different people. Bad, bad, I know. In all fairness I started talking to them around the same time. The both live a decent distance from me so it’s only been texting thus far and that’s been a comfort. They’re both quite different from each other and one obviously has much more interest in me than the other – at this point. I don’t know where those are going to go but rest assured, it’ll come out here. It’s been a good escape. I do want to move forward, get close to someone. I’ve already blabbed on in detail about my longing for intimacy again. One works nights (making talking a pain) and lives alone with a cat. We have extremely similar interests and sense of humor and have already broached the heated sex conversations. The other is a single father of two, more eager about life it seems, and is available to talk to during the day which is nice. Physically the first is more my usual type but I’ve come to discover that “types”are meaningless. A great personality is far more attractive than anything else. Guy one is working on saving for a downpayment on a new car since his last one was wrecked, then hoping to come visit for a “real date.” I haven’t even broached the subject of meeting guy two, though he attended the Holi Festival that I went to after I told him all about it. Didn’t see him, but honestly was pretty preoccupied with the festivities. He even started reading my favorite book series once I told him about it. On book 2 already, quite impressive.

We’ll see where all of that goes. Right now it’s time for a shower, my favorite part of the day.

Missing Happiness

Today, on a whim, I decided to text my ex-husband while I was on break. I hadn’t spoken to him since December when I was deep in the abusive clutches of that awful living situation. I’ve been feeling extremely lonely and hopeless today and had a maddening curiosity as to how he has been doing. Immediately tears came pouring down my face. He’s trying his best but is quite lonely where he is. I can’t help but feel responsible. When we started going downhill, I uprooted us to where my family lives for extra support on my end. Upon our separation, he opted to move out of state again to stay with his mother. Everyone we knew, grew up with, is far away and terrible at keeping contact outside of facebook likes. Our relationship wasn’t a bad one. We had some amazing times and he’s the best friend that I’ve ever had – just not the best partner in a marriage. I thought back to the good times, and even the bad ones when I thought things were so terrible. How very wrong I was. Things got much worse for me after our split.

It’s not that I want to be with him again. We’re both different people and I know this. I want to move forward. However, being so alone in a place where you feel like nobody really knows you makes you long for the connections you once had. It hurts my heart to hear that he’s lonely and struggling. I wish nothing but the best for him in life and I truly want to see him thrive. I guess it kind of gave me some comfort to know it’s hard on him too, though, in a terrible selfish way.

My sadness is crippling today. I feel like, despite reconnecting with my mother, moving here hasn’t helped me move forward in life at all. This last year has been nothing but a step backwards and now I’m thrown back into the muck I was in a year ago, yet more damaged. I’m barely keeping my head above water and waking each day with nothing to look forward to. I go through the motions but my heart’s not in it.

I feel incredibly lost and honestly don’t know what to do to pull myself out of it.