It’s amazing how sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone can be just what you need. I’ve been in private sadness for quite some time. Most of my life really. I have a terrible habit of telling people I’m just fine and keeping everything to myself – the main reason I started this blog, actually. Yesterday I got back in contact with my ex husband and made an (admittedly vague) post on Facebook about feeling more lost the more I try to find myself. It was a rough day. I hadn’t felt pain like that in a while. Since then, it’s amazed me how some people really do care. My mother surprised me today by cleaning my entire apartment while I was away at work, my ex husband randomly texted me about the puzzle he’s working on that we had bought together and he took with him in the separation, and a mother from the old preschool I used to work at reached out to me to talk openly about depression and finding yourself when you feel alone. I think sometimes we build it up in our heads that nobody cares because we’ve lost that value in ourselves. I’m still hurting but I feel like I can breathe a little. I haven’t been completely forgotten.
On another note, I’m doing something I swore I’d never do. For a little while now I’ve been talking to two different people. Bad, bad, I know. In all fairness I started talking to them around the same time. The both live a decent distance from me so it’s only been texting thus far and that’s been a comfort. They’re both quite different from each other and one obviously has much more interest in me than the other – at this point. I don’t know where those are going to go but rest assured, it’ll come out here. It’s been a good escape. I do want to move forward, get close to someone. I’ve already blabbed on in detail about my longing for intimacy again. One works nights (making talking a pain) and lives alone with a cat. We have extremely similar interests and sense of humor and have already broached the heated sex conversations. The other is a single father of two, more eager about life it seems, and is available to talk to during the day which is nice. Physically the first is more my usual type but I’ve come to discover that “types”are meaningless. A great personality is far more attractive than anything else. Guy one is working on saving for a downpayment on a new car since his last one was wrecked, then hoping to come visit for a “real date.” I haven’t even broached the subject of meeting guy two, though he attended the Holi Festival that I went to after I told him all about it. Didn’t see him, but honestly was pretty preoccupied with the festivities. He even started reading my favorite book series once I told him about it. On book 2 already, quite impressive.
We’ll see where all of that goes. Right now it’s time for a shower, my favorite part of the day.