No labels

So I’m happy where I am, with my fiance, in my job, in my place.

But my dreams like to play with me.

In my latest one, my mother introduced me to Tove Lo, telling her how much I loved her. We fell in love. Me and Tove Lo.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to Tove Lo. She reminds me of myself in my early twenties. The dream was fantastic. We had such good times. I was on cloud nine.

But then my fiance showed up. Jealous, unsure, unhappy.

Is this a reflection of my fear of letting my wild days go?

I love my fiance with all my heart, but my imagination is in constant transit. Is that wrong? Is it ok to have such a strong unrealistic crush in a relationship?

Roommate.

No roommates are perfect. I get that. ESPECIALLY when they’re a friend. Rooming with friends always leads to tensions in friendship and almost never ends up well. If possible, avoid this at all costs! Unfortunately, when I moved in with Jack 2 years ago, he had already agreed for his friend, Brian, to be his roommate. Now I like Brian. We get along just fine as friends.. but no part of me will not be screaming in joy from the rooftops when he finally moves out.

Brian is a night owl, meaning that he sleeps all day long and stays up all night. This means that our bedroom door (which never really fully shuts) has to be re-closed all night long so that the kitchen light isn’t blaring straight into our bedroom as we sleep. He and his girlfriend, who is here 24/7, enjoy staying up drinking on the patio until anywhere from 6am to 3pm the next day, talking loudly and even having singing contests to see who can reach the highest pitch. I’m a full-time online student so my mornings and most of my days are spent doing schoolwork on the computer. That’s hard to do when Tweedledick and Tweedledrunk keep popping their drunk heads in to talk to you or have you referee their dumb antics.

They’ve completely taken over the patio due to his chainsmoking habit. We used to have beautiful plants and vegetables growing out there but they’ve all died due to the constant cloud of smoke. To add to it, there are at this very moment somewhere around 25 empty cigarette packs just thrown into a pile on OUR patio table, as well as multiple fast food cups and other disgusting garbage. We went out of our way to buy him an outdoor trash can which is constantly overflowing (and sometimes infested with bees) but garbage continues to pile around it because he never empties it. It sits on top of OUR cooler which is now a putrid black-brown shade from what I assume is a soup of cigarette ash and spilled Dr. Pepper and whiskey.

This person also NEVER cleans. Sometimes his girlfriend will do a load of dishes (by sometimes I mean once very few months) and she does his laundry for him, usually at 4am which is AWESOME since the laundry units are right next to our bedroom and drunk people have a habit of slamming lids. There is currently a pile of dirty glasses that they’ve left in the sink for us. I politely stack them on the counter and go about my own dishes. They’ve been there for weeks. Now they just use disposable cups and leave them out everywhere for us to pick up. This morning there was one lodged into the tiny bathroom trash can, causing it to overflow and not even close. GUESS I’LL JUST TOSS MY BLOODY TAMPON APPLICATOR ELSEWHERE. Also, our bath mat apparently isn’t good enough for them because each time Brian showers, he puts his bathmat on TOP of ours (for dominance?) and leaves it there forever. Every morning I wake up to a trash can that has not only been over-filled by bottles and soda cans, but that someone has pushed down on, causing the top to break off. This means that the first thing I do every day is bag up the trash and Jack has to fix the damn trash can lid. Every. Godddamn. Day. They’ve also never swept which is super because even though I’ve expressed my onset of allergies to cigarette smoke and ash, it’s still dragged in through the air and on their shoes every day which I get to sweep up. I’ve gone through way too much incense trying to undo the horrid smell which accumulates in the apartment when they hang outside with the door open to drunkenly talk to each other. This practice has also led to an infestation of mosquitos in our place. Know what’s a lot of fun? Shower mosquitos! Every shower includes a mini game of ‘Kill the Mosquito Before it Bites Your Ass.’

This morning I woke up to a friendly note on the fridge informing us that our cat had taken a shit on the bathroom floor but they cleaned it up. Bitch, you want a reward? He’s a stupid cat who has a history of shitting places. We all clean it up. Whoopidydoo, you cleaned ONE thing. Is this why you put your bathmat on top of ours? Did ours get shat on? If if were, would you even tell us? Also, your girlfriend’s giant hair wad is still on the side of the bathtub.

Due to Brian’s girlfriend babying and enabling him rather than actually pushing him to do something with his life, he’s been forced to either quit or be fired. (I guess you can’t be hired forever when you work maybe once a month.) Rather than continue to just pay his rent and bills for him (of which he’s late several months), they are planning for him to go move in with her in a few weeks. I am SO READY. OH MY GOD SO READY JESUS PLEASE JUST FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I’m also pretty sure that the stress of this roommate situation has caused my high blood pressure and one of my miscarriages as well. It’s fucking time.

 

My Best Friend is a Horrible Human Being

I don’t have ‘girlfriends.’ As a child, my only friend was the other biggest ‘loser’ in school. Even as a teenager, I dipped my toes into multiple crowds, never really belonging to any close-knit group of friends. As an adult living in a fairly new town, it’s pretty hard to make friends outside of Jack’s social network. Recently, my childhood best friend (whom I consider a sister) stopped by on her way back from a weekend getaway. Let’s call her Leigh. She, as well as everyone else I’ve ever befriended, has never actually visited me so I was excited to see her.

I always knew she was a selfish bitch but holy crap.

She regales me of this ‘love hexagon’ she’s a part of. In her mind, EVERYONE wants to be with her. This has always been a thing with Leigh. Life is purely a stage in which every human tries to screw her. In her current ‘sexagon,’ the number one issue is her best guy friend who is married but ‘completely miserable.’ Why is he so miserable? In her words, because his wife is annoying and won’t leave him alone. Why won’t she leave him alone? Because Leigh and him have sex every time they see each other. However, she assured me that his wife is in the wrong. Oooooooookay. She followed this juicy tidbit of information with the one part of the weekend that ‘she’s actually kind of ashamed of.’ Not only did she repeatedly screw this married man throughout the weekend, but one of these instances was in a lake at night time about 15 feet from his wife, with all of her ‘sexagon’ comrades shielding and distracting her so she wouldn’t see them. What the actual fuck?! Am I supposed to reply with a ‘You go, girlfriend!’ or something?

At this point in the evening, I’m sucking away at a vaporizer to keep from just gaping at this horror story. Poor Jack is chugging whatever cheap whiskey our roommate had on the top of the fridge so he doesn’t word vomit obscenities.

She goes on to tell about how her and this fellow are ‘meant to be’ because after 13 years of screwing behind his wife’s back, they’re starting to have feelings for each other. Insert the BIGGEST eye roll. She now plans to pack up her family (parents and young daughter) to move closer to this guy so they can have easier access to each other.

Now, a side note about this young daughter of hers.. I helped raise this child. I wiped her butt as a baby. I love this girl more than anything. When Leigh went through a nasty divorce with this girl’s father, I stayed in touch with them because they were family and I didn’t want to lose my connection with my niece. Leigh now plans to take this child away from her father (who wasn’t terrible, just a bit immature) just so she can be closer to this cheating person who’s her ‘love of the day.’

Leigh is family to me. We’ve been through more than anyone I’ve ever known. But she is a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. Do I just pretend that I don’t abhor everything about her? You can’t reason with the woman. She’s always right, always entitled, and will never change her terrible ways. I can’t cut off contact with her, however, because she’s my only contact with my niece.

Sigh.

I could use some new friends because the ones from the past are not the friends I knew before.

Making Use of Uselessness

Has it really been over a year since I’ve updated this? My, how time flies.

A brief compacted version of my year: Things with Jack worked out. I love him more than I can ever express and his support has been unbelievable. I moved in with him in February and ever since it’s been me, Jack, and our cats Mr. Waffles and Ursa Meowser. (And our awkward roommate, though that’s a tale for another time.) Life with Jack is happiness.

Now onto the topic at hand.

Have you ever been in a situation where you can finally exhale but upon doing so, you have no clue what it was ever like to breathe properly in the first place?

When I moved in with Jack, I immediately found myself a good paying job in the childcare field, a profession I’ve worked in for pretty much my entire adult life. I know it inside and out and can proudly say that I’m one of the best damn preschool teachers around. It was a corporation so I knew that things would be different from the private schools I was used to, but what I didn’t anticipate was that the exhaustion I’d felt at my previous job followed me to this one. The parents loved me. The kids loved me. The school was overjoyed at my teaching methods, creativity, and attention to detail in the classroom. I, however, was screaming on the inside. It wasn’t in me anymore. My patience with the children was at an all-time low, though I’d never show it, which led to spiking stress levels. I started to get sick a lot (which I’ve now discovered are from migraines, which I’d never had before-Wee!!) and would push through the day only to come home exhausted, mentally and physically.

Don’t get me wrong, both of us having decent paying jobs was nice! We could afford to go out to museums, take day trips to the beach, eat out (and even opt for appetizers!). For the first time in five years, I didn’t have to wonder if the bills were going to be payed or if I had to choose between food or gas. Unfortunately, due to my stress, I was often too sick to do any of those things. Most weekends were spent at home, Jack taking care of me as my head pounded, belly ached, and anxiety levels grew.

One weekend, we agreed to spend some time at the beach with an old friend of mine. It was a welcome vacation who’s only downside was my nagging inner anxiety of the idea of going back to work when we returned. Friday afternoon, Jack and I waded out into the ocean as far as we could, scanning the horizon for dolphins and enjoying the sounds of the surf all around us. This amazing, thoughtful man turned to me and told me to quit my job. He could tell that it was the source of my sickness and sadness. He encouraged focusing on my art (which has always been a dream) and that, even if we have to pinch pennies here and there, he could take care of me. Actually, properly, take care of me. I’m pretty sure I cried right there in the ocean. My whole life I’d been the only one carrying the weight of finances on my shoulders. I never imagined I’d actually be able to focus on my art without the worry of working 10 hours a day just to make ends meet.

When we returned, I put in my two weeks notice. My boss begged me to stay and even offered me the position of art teacher which would have been my DREAM job just a few years ago, but at the moment just sounded exhausting. Besides, I’d just recently started doing pretty well at my side business of painting pet portraits. The last two weeks were brutal but I made it through, eager to jump into my new life of art!

Then, a week or so later, hurricane Harvey struck. The city I live in was devastated. Jack and I were extremely lucky to not get flooded but a good 3/5 of the community around us was completely destroyed. Suddenly purchasing paintings of pets was the least of peoples’ concern, and rightfully so. I haven’t had a single commission since. It’s disheartening but a reality I was prepared to face.

Since then I’ve tried to focus my art on my own original pieces as well as fan art pandering to my beloved nerdy community of whovians and the such.

I’m not making money. Sometimes I feel useless. Lazy. Uninspired. Like a leach. It’s not a good feeling.

Fortunately, because I have the most amazing man in my life, that yucky feeling is starting to fade. I’m not useless! I paint. I draw. I work out. I’m going back to school in the spring. I meal plan and prepare recipes. I cook and clean the apartment. I ensure that when Jack comes home, the only thing he has to worry about is snuggling his girlfriend and cats and whether or not I need help with dinner. And ya know what? I love it. Sure, we may not have much play money and I’ve come to terms with the fact that it may take some time to start turning a profit with my art but that’s okay. I’m not crying in the middle of the day. I’m not reluctantly spending half of my weekends cleaning the apartment. I’m not convincing myself every week that my health is worth less than my job.

I’m not useless. I’m just learning how to breathe again.

Silence is a Good Thing

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. I realize this but it’s for the best of reasons. Silence in my blog means that my heart and mind have found peace, or at least for the most part.

I’m over the moon in love with Jack and am overjoyed to be out of the dating game. There is such comfort with him and the life he’s helped immerse me in. I love his friends, his family, his lifestyle. For the first time in years I feel like I really belong somewhere. It’s a shame that it isn’t here and that I can only experience a few times a month but I am thankful for each moment that I can be there.

Long distance relationships are difficult and something that I avoided for the longest time but I truly feel that it’s absolutely worth it for this one. This place never really felt like home anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get to escape and be with him in a place where I fit a bit better. Until then I’ll enjoy the times I visit and do my best to show him the fun side of this town when he comes.

It’s crazy how something like having love in your life can make everything so much better. Even at the end of the most stressful work day at a place that I can’t stand, the thought of his smiling face makes it a thousand times more bearable.

Quick shoutout to rabb.it for helping us be able to spend time together without being physically together.

Saying It

So Jack and I have been together for almost a month now, which really isn’t very long in the adult dating game, but we feel like we’ve been together for ages. I guess talking for hours a day every day will make things seem that way.

This past weekend he came here to visit and, as always, we had a fantastic time together. It’s so nice to be able to just be our weird selves around each other without having to hold back or tone down. He told me that he keeps anticipating me telling him to stop but it doesn’t happen because I’m just as goofy as he is.

Friday night it finally came out. We said ‘I love you’ and my heart overflowed. It was strange to say but a good kind of strange. As much as long distance sucks, it’s so beyond worth it for what we have.

I’m in love and happier than I have been in years. I don’t miss Micky or anyone else for that matter. They could vanish from my history and I’d still be happy with my geeky space nut man. Feels great to call him all mine. 🙂

Googly Eyes

I can’t get him off my mind at any time. Even when work is a whirlwind of chaos and insanity, I think of his face and I smile. I don’t remember being this caught up (especially this early on) with anyone before, even my ex husband.

Last night we decided to explore Google Hangout and video chatted far too late into the evening. It was so wonderful to see his smiling face in motion (and to see him squeeze that tight little butt for me.) He did research on activities for long distance relationships and even offered to lend me his Xbox 360 and a television so we can play games together in our spare time. Hearing him say out loud that we’re both really invested in this gave me warm fuzzies. He let it slip that he got me a gift for when I come visit next weekend and I got all giddy. Nobody gets me gifts. How thoughtful!

He went to lunch yesterday with his mother and asked her if she wanted to meet me. Apparently she gave him a hard time about having me stay with him that weekend (super Christian ethics means that’s moving WAY too fast!) but he explained just how strongly we felt for each other. It’s one thing to rush – I definitely don’t want to do that – but it’s another thing to find someone you have such a strong connection with and pump the brakes just to be cautious, causing you to possibly lose out on something wonderful. I’ve been the biggest naysayer of ‘love at first sight’ and falling for someone so quickly but I’m being proven quite wrong. She did want to meet me and I’m looking forward to putting on my best sweetheart face for her.

It was so wonderful to have our laptops in bed last night, talking side by side almost as if he were there. We spent a good minute just smiling at each other in silence and I’m always amazed at the significance of such a simple gesture. It’s pure awe and adoration for one another and it’s making me miss that kiss like a madman.

Long distance relationships are difficult but I’d wait as long as I have to knowing that sweet, silly, nerdy man is all mine.

Smitten

I. Am. Smitten.

So smitten.

Jack came to spend the weekend with me and we had a phenomenal time. Even something as simple as watching something on the couch is full of laughter and fun when we’re together. We had genuine adventures together and couldn’t stop smiling. By yesterday evening we were holding hands everywhere we went, stealing kisses and pinching butts whenever we got too close. Together we explored downtown, bar hopped all over, discovered a shitty band playing a set in an alley and pointed out planets in the night sky. By the end of the night I couldn’t look at his face without wanting to kiss him and breathe him in. We spoke candidly about the way we feel for each other – what we decided must be the true definition of a ‘whirlwind romance.’ He told me that he had to tell himself that there’s no way he can be falling in love with someone so quickly.

This is nuts.

This is so so so nuts.

But fuck I love it. This guy. ❤

The Spark

I’ve been pretty MIA for a while. I went through a period of being incredibly depressed and not wanting to talk about anything but I think a major part of that was being with someone I didn’t feel a spark with. I dated Pickle for a few weeks and, while he’s a kind and humorous guy, the embers of my feelings never really lit up. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to answer the phone when he called because I knew exactly what the conversation would be like: Bitch about work, talk about the cat, then awkward silence. Our opposite work schedules made it to where the only times we ever could speak were when our ships crossed in the mornings and evenings, leading to an extremely boring relationship. As soon as I identified this as the source of my unhappiness, I (kindly) explained the situation and broke up with him. No hard feelings but there’s no use hoping feelings will emerge that aren’t there.

I’ve been on several dates since then. Hookah guy was alright. Similar tastes in many things but he’s the type to talk at you rather than with you… plus he owns a fleshlight and that just really bothers me for some reason. I swear the one time I stayed there he was humping the air in his sleep. I think the guy has issues. He’s still trying to get me to see him often but I’m just really not feeling it.

There was the hairy young IT guy, Bill. I actually really enjoyed my date with him. We had coffee and margaritas, spent the night together laughing and goofing off. He even invited me to watch a showcase for the improv class he’d been attending the next day. It was a good one and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit bothered that I didn’t hear from him afterward. Every day on the way to work, I see him walking to his work. Every day I’m tempted to honk my horn or do something to embarrass him but it’s not really worth it. At least we had that one good date.

This week, however, I found that spark. I’ve only been talking to Jack for a few weeks but instantly our conversation was like butter. Not only does he have the same sense of humor and witty way of speaking, he also shares my oddest quirk (an extreme hatred for all things velvet). He’s a third grade science teacher (teacher AND science nerd?!) who helped me discover just how much lab coats turn me on. We started talking on the phone in the evenings and now have a regular theme of speaking for around 3 hours a night.. which is insane. Who talks that much every night with no lulls in conversation? Of course there has to be a downside because life can’t make it easy. He lives 3 1/2 hours away which is a total bummer. This week has been my vacation week from work and since he’s off for most of the summer, he offered to come visit on Tuesday. I had such a great time that my cheeks were hurting from smiling. He ended up staying the night and making plans then and there to come spend more time with me this weekend.

Of course, as always, I do my best not to get my hopes up but there’s something so magical about actually feeling that spark with someone.

I also feel that I should mention where I stand on the Micky situation. I had already started to get past him. I hadn’t talked to him much at all and was doing my best to cram his chapter back into the book of those 6 months of hell. He spoke with me last week and said that he wanted to come visit, spend a day and catch up. We made plans for him to come last Saturday. Of course, ‘something came up’ and he couldn’t make it, though he kept me updated through the day on his excuses. Fine, whatever, it was the second time he’d flaked on visiting. He swore up and down that he would come on Monday instead. I agreed but took it with a grain of salt. Sure enough, not a single peep from him that day. Maybe it was his goal to get me super disappointed in him so I could move on. If so, way to go because I’m completely over it now. I felt extremely disrespected but at the same time, he wasn’t on my mind at all. Only Jack. He still hasn’t spoken to me since and I’m not going to push for contact anymore. Consider this my closing of the Micky chapter.

I’m just going to enjoy this flame that’s finally lit between Jack and I. I certainly missed this warmth.

 

Lost

I really need some advice on this one.

So I do like Pickle. He’s sweet and doting and shares my sense of humor and many interests. I really started feeling a flicker of feelings and it was exciting.

Ever since Micky texted me I can’t get him out of my head. I’d gotten him off of my mind and started moving on and with one text he consumed me again.

It’s made me start to compare the two and it’s not right. It’s made the flicker for Pickle start to fizzle and it sucks. There’s no proof Micky would even be emotionally available to me right now anyway. I’ve been trying so hard to put that fire out but the damn embers just won’t stop burning.

What should I do? Should I talk to Micky about it? Should I push him to the past and try to fan the flames with Pickle? There’s enough stress going on with my day to day life right now that this just makes it all 10 times more difficult. I long for the inspiration love once gave me but fear I won’t have it back. I don’t want a stone heart. I need color back in my monochromatic life.