No labels

So I’m happy where I am, with my fiance, in my job, in my place.

But my dreams like to play with me.

In my latest one, my mother introduced me to Tove Lo, telling her how much I loved her. We fell in love. Me and Tove Lo.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to Tove Lo. She reminds me of myself in my early twenties. The dream was fantastic. We had such good times. I was on cloud nine.

But then my fiance showed up. Jealous, unsure, unhappy.

Is this a reflection of my fear of letting my wild days go?

I love my fiance with all my heart, but my imagination is in constant transit. Is that wrong? Is it ok to have such a strong unrealistic crush in a relationship?

Silence is a Good Thing

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. I realize this but it’s for the best of reasons. Silence in my blog means that my heart and mind have found peace, or at least for the most part.

I’m over the moon in love with Jack and am overjoyed to be out of the dating game. There is such comfort with him and the life he’s helped immerse me in. I love his friends, his family, his lifestyle. For the first time in years I feel like I really belong somewhere. It’s a shame that it isn’t here and that I can only experience a few times a month but I am thankful for each moment that I can be there.

Long distance relationships are difficult and something that I avoided for the longest time but I truly feel that it’s absolutely worth it for this one. This place never really felt like home anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get to escape and be with him in a place where I fit a bit better. Until then I’ll enjoy the times I visit and do my best to show him the fun side of this town when he comes.

It’s crazy how something like having love in your life can make everything so much better. Even at the end of the most stressful work day at a place that I can’t stand, the thought of his smiling face makes it a thousand times more bearable.

Quick shoutout to rabb.it for helping us be able to spend time together without being physically together.

Still bothered.

It’s really fucking unfair for Ricky to say those things to me the other day. Now I’m all messed up in the head and doubting everything and it’s not right. Fuck I hate feelings. This is why I tried to stay away from them. I just want to be happy and hopeful but I’m still waking up with an aching heart. Can I do this long distance/opposite work schedule thing? I need to find something to fill up my time. I need inspiration. I need hope. I need Pickle to be able to provide those things. I seem to be doing a shit job of finding them on my own.

Being “official” and the crap that comes with it

So today Pickle and I became “Facebook official” and I forgot how annoying that can be. Everyone wants to know details, talk about it, all that shit that I like to keep private. That, I can handle. The hard part was when Micky texted me saying that he was happy for me but a bit jealous. He reiterated how our timing together sucked and said how if this new guy didn’t treat me like a queen, he’d have to answer to him. The main reason I moved on was to get over him. It doesn’t help to know that his feelings are still there too. Pickle deserves a shot, Micky agrees, and I’m not going to let that fall through in the hopes of something that may never be. It hurts still, thinking of Micky, and it might always sting, but bridging our relationship into a friendship is a favorable outcome.
Fucking feelings. Blah.