Emotions, can you just like, not?

Had a good day yesterday, and woke up in a good mood today – until I remembered a glimpse of a dream where my ex-husband and I told each other that we missed one another. That one hit deep. Now the tears are rolling and I’m trying to drink my breakfast drink through it to pull it together for work. Man, I miss what I had.

I  have a friend on facebook, a guy I’ve known for probably a good 6 years or so. When my ex-husband and I were just starting to hook up, he had approached me saying that he had feelings for me. I shut him down because my heart was already in it with someone else, despite this guy being a genuinely great person. Not long afterward, he began to date another friend of mine. I’ve seen their journey to a new house together, taking vacations, bonding with his kids, and now they’re engaged. I’m very happy for them but it makes it visually obvious what kind of opportunity I  passed up. I loved my husband, but he didn’t have drive in life – now it seems he’s doing far better than me in that aspect. What is it about me that when I push someone away, they soar above me and I sink far below? What if my ex really was the one for me and I’ve been so lost and miserable because he’s not with me anymore? Why do I keep sabotaging my own life?

Damnit, spring won’t last forever. Pretty soon I won’t be able to use the allergy excuse for my eyes in the mornings.


One thought on “Emotions, can you just like, not?

  1. So many of us fall prey to self sabotage for a million reasons. Many of us, myself included, just internally feel that we are not worthy of success so even without trying find ways to make our failures a reality. If only we were more confident and realized that we deserve success and happiness. You deserve peace, love and happiness. Now just find a way to believe it and it will come to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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